The Sideliner

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Feuxve

2009-09-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

It pains me to inform you that we have arrived at the fifth and final episode of HBO's Hard Knocks. Never have I move vainly hoped that a show would continue, because as it turns out NFL Films as an entity can not read my mind. Or, perhaps its participants are unwilling to accommodate my hopings. Either way, this is the last time this year for to share:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. Sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning, the Bengals locker room looks like the setting of a murder mystery story, all dark and spooky and flashlight-requiring. Or maybe it was just this one time - I don't know because I've only seen it once.

Jinkies! Maybe Nancy and her cute male pals can figure out the mystery of the missing Bengals GM!

2. There are new Twitter rules in the NFL, but Chad Ochocinco has been looking for loopholes. According to ESPN (the old one, not Chad himself who claims to be the new one), Ochocinco has declared the loopholes officially found and implores us all in his usual vague way to "tune in" to see something that is probably underwhelming.

3. Among Paul Brown's contributions to the sport of football: the face mask, the passing pocket, the practice squad, and filming practices for teaching purposes. Also? What a boring name for someone who's contemporaries include such monikers as Jock, Elroy, Otto, Chester, Blanton, and Weeb.

4. Final cut day makes me sad. I mean, it's pretty brutal, but then again as a baby I used to cried when my parents took the garbage out, so maybe I'm not the greatest judge.

Another source of tears for a young Abby.

5. Jim Lippincott does not appear to be human. He's is a weird, horrible personnel-firing ro-but. Once he has completed his task, you may bury your tear-stained face in his pillowy waistline, but just know that he cannot love you back.

6. I totally forgot about Chad's house! I had seen it a few years ago during a special highlighting the wide receiver, but I completely failed to remember that his living room is decorated with a bevy of giant, scarily painted, neon-colored portraits of himself. It's sort of amazing, and I choose to believe that they are displayed with at least some small (perhaps really tiny but still present) sense of irony.

7. Okay, I was going to mention this tidbit in one of the other Ten Things I Learned This Week, but I thought surely I didn't see what I thought I saw. You see, I thought I saw a player wearing some sort of cozy on his helmet. Did you know that there is such a thing as a helmet cozy? I didn't. There have now been two instances where players were donning helmet cozies, and it must be addressed. The first time I thought perhaps it was a t-shirt perched atop one gentlman's noggin, simply a convient way to keep his clothing off of the ground and yet stay hands free, but then there it was again this week! The helmet cozy. It frightens and confuses me.

Of course, the helmet cozy pictured here is not the one spotted covering the traditional Bengal stripes, but it may as well have been.

8. The Bengals kept four running backs and only one fullback. That bodes well for the running game...oh right. No offensive line, or at least not much of one. Good luck to you, fellas.

9. This one's another cheat, because I forgot this rather than learned it, but both Roy Williams and Tank Johnson were in last year's Hard Knocks, when the show was following the Dallas Cowboys. Tank suggested that they change the name of the show to "Tank Knocks," which I admit has a nice ring to it.

10. Kicker Shayne Graham has his own steak The Precinct, a local Cincinnati restaurant. Other famous Cincinnati sports faces on the menu? Former Reds pitcher and broadcaster Joe Nuxhall, former Bengals wide receiver Cris Collinsworth, Hall-of-Famer Oscar Robertson of the Royals back when Cincinnati had an NBA team, former Bengals OT and Hall-of-Famer Anthony Munoz, current UC football coach Brian Kelly, and Reds manager Dusty Baker.

If I were ordering off The Precinct menu by name alone, I would go with the Anthony Munoz, because I imagine it would look something like this.

I am so bummed that this show is over! I can't wait until next year's series...for now, though, I can look forward to a new mini-series of interest. Premiering on September 16th at 8pm on Showtime is a documentary called Full Color Football: The History of the American Football League. It looks really interesting, so my condolences to those who do not have access to premium channels. Once again you are missing out.

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Feux

2009-09-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the fourth edition of:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. James Brown loves the Bengals. No, not that James Brown...No, not that other James Brown, either. Cincinnati has a James Brown of its very own, and he's just a dude who has been there forever and does odd jobs for the Bengals - team attendance, towel folding. But he's not as behind-the-scenes as you might think. In fact, if you've seen a Bengals game, then you've seen Mr. Brown, because he leads the team as they run out onto the field for every game.

Beware of the James Brown ro-but. He will crush you with his trusty steal sledgehammer while he smiles at you with his immutable, malicious grin.

2. Tank Johnson does not know who Bill Walsh is. He was telling a staff member that he just learned about this amazing guy who did this thing called the West Coast Offense. Only he kept calling him "Donnie Walsh" until the the staff guy corrected him. You might think that he was bringing this up because of "Donnie's" association with the Bengals and this is a show about the Bengals, but no. He was surprised to find out this fact. I mean, I'm no football historian but even I know who Bill Walsh is. I also happen know who Donnie Walsh is - he's the president of basketball operations for the New York Knicks.

3. Andre Smith's agent is a creep. The second after his client signed his contract, the first words out of his mouth weren't, "Congratulations! You are officially a professional football player!" or "You just made your NFL dreams come true!" or even, "We're going to have a great year!" Instead he turned to Andre Smith and said, "Congratulations, you're a multi-millionaire." Ick.

4. Chad Ochocinco has a girlfriend. Her name is Maya, and she seems very cool. Chad gave his tip to guys on how to give a girl your number without having to worry about the pain of rejection. Just ask to borrow her phone to make a call, and then put in your info. It apparently worked for him, but if someone did that to me I would not recognize the contact and simply erase it.

5. Jordan Palmer is involved with a website/iPhone app called Run Pee. (Actually, I had heard of this before, but I did learn a little bit more during this week so it counts for my list.) This website tells you when the best times would be to take a bathroom break while watching a movie. You can have your phone buzz you right before the most opportune time to duck out, and then while you're in the bathroom you can read about what you're missing. It's a cool idea, but why can't you just not go to the bathroom for an hour and a half? Maybe you should consult a physician.

The RunPee movie highlighted here is Gamer. As you can see, there are multiple pee times with plot points to unscramble while you're out of the theater. They should definitely not hire me to write these up, because I think the entire movie Gamer is one giant pee time.

6. Interesting quote from defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer to a player: "The only thing that can run you out of the NFL is you." Unless, of course, you are a Bengal, and then you can apparently never be run out of the league, no matter what heinous acts you commit.

7. According to himself, Chad Ochocinco is the new ESPN.

8. Coach Marvin Lewis is all about the details. If your shoe laces aren't tied, you are exhibiting a lack of self-discipline, and if you aren't disciplined about those things then you probably aren't disciplined about the bigger things. He made this concept very clear to his team in a less polite way during a post-game tirade that I quite enjoyed.

9. There are carriage rides available in Cincinnati. Impressive undrafted free-agent and safety Tom Nelson took his wife on a ride around the city. I am from Cincinnati, and as I saw the couple embark on their tour I thought to myself, "Where on earth are they going? What would you want to be seeing downtown while attached to a horse?" Mostly it didn't look very picturesque, but there was a really quaint area that I did not recognize...Where were they? Do we have such a thing as German Town? It looked German-y.

10. Joe Torre can appear on the show but not Muhammad Ali? Sorry, I'm still hung up on that one from last week. The Dodgers skipper was featured when a few Bengals attended a Reds game against Los Angeles. Seeing him reminded me how thankful I am that the NFL does not require their coaches to wear uniforms, because really the last thing anyone needs to see is Andy Reid or Romeo Crennel in football pants.

Just imagine it. I haven't.

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Threux

2009-08-27T21:38:00.001-07:00

Once again, it is time for the weekly lessons learned from HBO's Hard Knocks...

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. Well-traveled linebacker Dhani Jones is apparently a big wearer of neon blue short shorts. This was highlighted in the "rookie show," but then confirmed towards the end of the episode with the man himself donning a pair.

You know who else likes even shorter shorts? The Washington Redskins' Chris Cooley.

2. Sometimes running backs barf on the sidelines. DeDe Dorsey is such a running back.

3. The axeman waiteth at the door for his prey/ A quiet bloodbath to begin each day. That's just a fancy, poetic way of saying that Director of Personnel Jim Lippincott has moved on from waking dudes up at 5am to fire them and now simply waits inside the facility doors while all the players file nervously past until he sees his man and goes in for the kill.

4. I love training montages. And, as it turns out, I don't love hurt-player montages, even when appropriately set to Elvis's song Hard Knocks. Actually, the whole injury thing was an interesting segment that really highlighted a serious and pervasive issue that plagues the league. I shall expound.

On the show, there were several guys, including rookie fave Rey Maualuga, who were mildly to moderately injured over the past couple weeks. The coaches were shown "good-naturedly" ribbing these players for not being able to play, although in fact these ribs were actually just veiled threats that implied if the player couldn't play, they could lose their spot on the team - either as a starter or on the entire roster.

The reality is this: if you can't play, you don't get in the practice and experience you need, the less fit you become, the less the coaches see you, the less you can impress them, therefore the less chance of keeping a starting spot (or any spot) on the squad, and so on. So it behooves any player to be on the field...even if they are hurt. And of course, when you play hurt you open yourself up to get even more badly hurt. Now, the coaches want the best guys on the field, period, so they apply pressure to these ailing players to return quickly.

The training staff's job is to prevent both of these attitudes from winning out for the benefit of the player (which, to the credit of the Bengals, they did). This kind of struggle happens all the time, from a minor ankle sprains to major concussions. The segment in this show didn't make a political point out of this (I think it was meant to be a funny little segment), and I don't think the Bengal coaches looked worse than any other team's coaches would have, but it inadvertently exposed a real problem in the league.

5. Okay, I'll follow up that long diatribe with this light weight one. I could actually devote several of my weekly points on Chad Ochocinco's off-field antics, but instead I'll just highlight two this week:

Chad's New Favorite Phrase: "Kiss the baby." Translation: "Similar to 'the fat lady sings.' In other words, it's over.
Chad's fun fact-o-the-week: He buys his earrings at Claire's. According to him, the faux baubles look just as good as the real thing at only a fraction of the cost.

I share this with Chad: we both have patronized Claire's, and I don't mean acted condescendingly towards, although perhaps that's also true. I, like, totally got my ears pierced there!

6. On Bob Bratkowski's office wall hangs a hand-painted, arts & crafts-style sign that reads: "It's 5 o'clock somewhere." What an odd place for a drinking and/or Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffet reference.

7. Apparently a visit from Muhammad Ali to training camp is interesting enough to tease, and it's interesting enough for it to be the only description in the episode guide, but it's not interesting enough to actually air.

8. The Andre Smith situation is ridiculous, and I understand that they 49ers are in the same position with Michael Crabtree. It's called a "slotting system," fellas. You make more than the pick below you and less than the pick above. Just because you think you should have gone higher in the draft does not mean you get paid more. You're worth what people collectively say you're worth, not some self-inflated number based on an imaginary, hypothetical draft. Andre, you are not worth as much as Jason Smith, and Michael, you are not worth as much as Darrius Heyward-Bey. Please get used to it and sign already so you can show up to your teams embarrassed and unprepared.

9. Remember that extra-point kick Ochocinco made against New England? That was Chad's idea. Funniest quote from the Bengals staff: "He'll want a signing bonus now."

10. I don't care who wears them, I don't like white football pants because you can see butts through them.

See what I mean? The Texas Longhorns have the see-thruiest of them all. Can't they double layer that fabric? My apologies to former Longhorn and current Patriot Dave Thomas (not the Wendy's guy) for posting this picture, but (no pun intended) it had to be done.

Keep watching...only two episodes remain!

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Deux

2009-08-20T22:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the second installment of the Hard Knocks review, where I...review this weeks episode with the:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. I don't like hearing the phrase "they used to," especially when followed by the descriptive term "sizzles." I especially don't like to hear that combined phrase when it is referring to the Bengals offense.

Here is something currently sizzling - the love between two eggs, sunny side up. This also depicts your brain on drugs, or at least what you might be seeing if you were actually on drugs.

2. Carson Palmer is very picky about his Gatorade. He likes a blend of flavors which he describes as "berry-licious," and the only staff member who appears to be able to accommodate this request is some dude named Lamar.

3. Chad Ochocinco fake drinks at bars. He orders Red Bull and cranberry juice so it looks like he's drinking, but he's not. Also? Chad looooooves McDonald's and appears to eat it for every meal.

4. The Bengals had a police officer come in to go over general safety rules with the team. For reasons indiscernible, the officer cautioned them to not stand under coconut trees lest they fall victim to a coconut husk death blow. Good advice, I guess, but what on earth does that have to do with the Bengals? I can only assume that it was just preparation for the team's arrival in Miami for Superbowl XLIV.

Coconuts aren't the only things you need to be wary of falling out of a coconut tree. Occasionally, you might encounter an idiot in a red shirt plummet to the ground and hurt his nose, so be careful.

5. Chris Henry looks like an alien.

6. Chase Coffman's (the rookie and possibly now starting tight end) dad, Paul, played tight end for both the Green Bay Packers and the Kansas City Chiefs. While with the Chiefs, Paul played with tight end Jonathan Hayes...who is now Chase Coffman's tight end coach with the Bengals.

7. I have always been aware of the father/son-like relationship between Marvin Lewis and Chad Ochocinco, but there was a nice little behind-the-scenes glimpse at that very thing this week, where Lewis gave Chad some money advice - how to invest and how exactly banks work. It was an endearing private moment, and was only on wall mounted cameras (meaning, there was no crew with them at the time).

8. Wide receiver Laveranues Coles rests in a portable hypobaric chamber. It looks like a flexible vinyl coffin, but I champion anything that will improve a player's game.

9. Tank Johnson has the absolutely cutest little girls I have ever seen. He put together a bunk bed for them, but advised the top bunk dweller not to jump on her bed, just in case. I guess he wasn't too confident in his handiwork.

10. I decided that if I had to make a movie about the Bengals, I already know a few people I'd cast...

As Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski: Terence Stamp!

As Executive Vice President (and Owner Mike Brown's daughter): Geraldine Chaplin! (who also had a famous dad: Charlie!)

As Mike Brown himself: Truman Capote! Okay, I know he's dead, but still.

And, of course, as Chris Henry: an alien!

'Tis The Season

2009-08-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so imagine my annoyance when I went to review my recent posts and found that somehow one of my scheduled posts did not, in fact, get posted. For the record, this was meant to have been available to read almost a week ago as a response to the first preseason NFL game. I am officially posting it now (with a few adjustments regarding time & day), but how irritating that some of it is so very passe by now. Nevertheless, I implore you to enjoy...

Once again, my favorite season is upon us and I am very jolly. Can anything beat the fall? I mean, in general but also with sports. Everything is awesome and new...starting with football.

Last Sunday night marked the return of the NFL to our television sets with the first preseason game of the year - the Buffalo Bills vs. the Tennessee Titans in the annual Hall of Fame Game.

Okay, when you type in "Buffalo, New York" into Google images, this picture comes up on the very first page. Just thought you should know.

I can't tell you how excited I was with the first helmet-to-helmet contact. Actually, come to think of it, I can tell you. I'm under no contractual obligation to maintain confidentiality...at least not about this. I was very excited. Of course, that's an illegal play but they're fun to watch. Apparently the rules have changed, as they are wont to do, and this year all helmet contact will be called. Essentially, if any part of your body touches the other player's helmet during a tackle, you will be called for unnecessary roughness, which is a tad ridiculous. No shoulder pads, no arms? I'm no football player, but I imagine it is difficult to hurl your body at someone with enough equal and opposite force to stop them running at full speed and NOT get anywhere near their helmet. But what do I know.

The game also saw the first official pairing of Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth in the booth for Sunday Night Football since John Madden's retirement earlier this year. I like them both, so I'm looking forward to this duo all year. Did you ever notice that Al Michaels sounds remarkably like Alan Alda? Well, he does. Next time you are watching SNF, close your eyes and imagine Hawkeye Pierce giving you the play-by-play. As an added bonus (to me), both Michaels and Collinsworth have a Cincinnati connection - the latter as a wide receiver for the Bengals and the former as an announcer for the Reds. Winners in my book...

My boy Cris and his weird, cropped Prince Valiant/70's shag thing he's got going on.

As for the game, the Bills looked terrible. I know the preseason games don't necessarily mean anything, but they looked severely overmatched by the Titans, and I only count the time that both teams played their starters, although the Bills were dominated all night. Except TO, who looked pretty good. TO is the kind of player that you want on your fantasy team, because he's awesome, but since it is fantasy and not reality you don't actually have to play with him or spend any time at all with him. And that is at least one area where you and Buffalo are not the same, so good luck to The City of Good Neighbors on that account.

But guess what else? That's not the only thing that fall is bringing us. Here are some other football-centric items on the horizon:

--My very favorite show on television, Hard Knocks, started last Wednesday and this year it is following my very favorite football team. If you are in any way interested in the reality behind what you see for only a few short hours every Sunday, you must watch this show. Also, who dey!

--The NFL preseason continues over the next couple of weeks. I hate preseason because some of the games are boring due to all of the 2nd and 3rd and 4th string teams filled with people you've never heard of. But I love preseason because there's a game every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. That's a lot of football. But then I hate preseason because of all of those games, like three of them are actually aired on a viewable station.

--You think we're done with football? Oh my, no. There is so much more to come, and it comes in the form of those young, bright-eyed kids descending upon your local college campuses as we speak. College football debuts in a few short weeks, starting with NC State taking on South Carolina. As much as I love pro football, I might love college a little bit more. There are a billion games every weekend, and it doesn't matter to me who is playing - I can always find someone to root for. The cute ones, of course! (I feel I have, like, one or two more years to say things like that until I start sounding creepy.)

The Vest is upon us! I bet you that the happiest college coach of all right now is Rick Pitino, because now all of the scandal hubbub will dwindle for the next couple months. He can spend the time preparing for when it re-hits him in the face.

--Another form of football fun is fantasy! Over the next couple of weeks everyone is getting their fantasy football draft lists ready to go. I actually think that this fantasy phenomenon and the Madden video game series have been instrumental in the enormous surge of popularity of the NFL in the last five years. The more you understand something, especially a sport, the more connected to it you become. With Madden, you really learn the strategy of play calling and what each play entails. And since you have to pick plays while using the game, you begin to recognize them on the field and even start to predict what will or should happen. Or so I hear. I am not dexterous enough to play Madden. And then with fantasy football, you follow the stats of players and get to know players all across the entire league, whereas before you might only know who is on your favorite team. This familiarity breeds personal investment, and that (along with salary caps and a short season) is why people care so much about pro football. Look into it.

--And yet more football. Only this time it is the world's meaning of the word "football" and not America's. That's right - good ol' fashioned soccer. The European football leagues have just kicked off, and this year I am, of course, pulling for Chelsea. When I went to their game recently, I got an official Chelsea scarf so now I can wear it as I act like a crazed soccer hooligan in the privacy of my own home. It will join my other good luck trinkets that adorn my TV stand - my mini-Bengals helmet and my Brutus the Buckeye that plays the OSU fight song. I have yet to find the right combination of jerseys/t-shirts/hats/footballs/other themed objects that actually bring me good luck, but I will keep on trying.

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It

2009-08-13T23:40:00.000-07:00

Hard Knocks debuted last night, and it was predictably awesome. I thought that for the next few weeks while the show is airing, I would highlight a new segment here on The Sideliner:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. Marvin Lewis has a pretty sick house. He also has a pretty mean cornhole toss.

2. Mike Brown's glasses have possibly the most un-blended bifocal line in the known universe.

3. The Football Term O' The Week: The Oklahoma Drill.

If you were like me, you may have thought that The Oklahoma Drill was a fancy girl drink. You would have been wrong, and then also embarrassed for having ordered it rather loudly at the bar in front of that whole group of hipsters who are way, way cooler than you. Because those are the kind of silly things you do.

Well, it ain't a fancy drink. The Oklahoma Drill consists of good ol' fashioned, one-on-one tackle fights, which I love to watch - especially in the beautiful slo-mo footage from NFL Films. But here's what it really is:

There are two dummy bags positioned about 3-5 yards apart. One defensive player lines up against one offensive player at the line of scrimmage. Behind him is a quarterback and a running back. On the coach's signal, the QB hands off to the back, who tries to make it through the space created by the bags. The defender must shed the offensive player and then tackle the running back. If that explanation is too confusing to visualize, or you are just plain interested in seeing this done, check out this video from the Jaguar's training camp.

4. Rookie tight end Chase Coffman is going to have the strongest biceps east of the Mississip. For every mistake he makes on the field he has to do 15 push-ups, and I'll tell ya...he does a lot of push-ups. He's going to need the strength, because the Bengals have already broken both their first and second string tight ends (Reggie Kelly and Ben Utecht).

5. Andre Smith, the first round draft pick from Alabama who has yet to officially sign his contract, should never, ever, ever run with his shirt off.

6. This one's a two-fer, because I learned two things about Jim Lippincott, the Director of Football Operations. A) he has the weirdest waistline in the history of waistlines and it is a shame that I do not have a picture to illustrate this point, and B) his name sounds like what happens to a German when he tries to kiss a frozen metal pole. I guess that second one is more of an observation.

7. Chad Ochocinco has a special affinity for the phrase, "Child, please!" Also? He wears his hat like that one dude from Oz.

The cap must be worn just like so. Child, please.

8. There was a fascinating conversation amongst the management about how to fix the lack of tight ends problem. Perhaps a fullback could fill in? Mike Brown suggested defensive end Chris Harrington, but that got shot down due to his being "stiff." Harrington, that is, not Brown.

9. The only thing harsher than getting cut from the team is when the person cutting you knocks on your door at 5:30 in the morning to do it, and gently lets you down by telling you right to your face that you "lack ability." That's a fine how-do-you-do!

10. Safety Chris Crocker was charged with covering Chad Ochocinco for much of the time and looked absolutely fantastic doing it. I am choosing to interpret that as a positive for Mr. Crocker, as opposed to a negative for Mr. Ochocinco because I am an optimist. Also, I learned that Chris Crocker and I were born on the exact same day in history, only 280 miles apart, and he is therefore now one of my new faves.

Watch next week's episode on Wednesday at 10pm on HBO, and then report back here, because I am certain that I have many more things to learn...

A Grim Fairy Tale

2009-08-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been pretty busy lately. Last week I got to watch my favorite soccer team live and in person, and this week I got to watch some world class tennis. I just ambled down to the UCLA campus where the LA Tennis Open was taking place and took in a match. Actually, I took in two.

I had gotten tickets to one of the semifinal matches and I was hoping to see some big names, although many of the biggest names in the tennis biz weren't there due to the fact that it's a few weeks too early to warm-up for the US Open apparently. I was in luck, though, because the match earlier in the day had two unseeded players and then my match had Tommy Haas (currently ranked No. 22 and a former No. 2) against local boy and American up-and-comer Sam Querrey.

I thought I'd let the pictures tell the story....

Tennis: A Modern Day "Love" Story Even Though That Wasn't The End Score

Chapter One - An Extremely Civil War

Once upon a time, in a far-off and partially fabricated place called La-La Land, there was a German and an American who decided to fight. (Don't worry...This story isn't about Nazis. Just hang in there.) They took to the court with a brightly colored ball and one snowshoe each strapped to their hands with which to parry the orb back and forth.

The German lost the first battle and decided to change his luck by switching his evil black shirt for an angelic white one. The crowd was not confused by his trickery and continued their refusal to root for him.

After displaying some impressive Hacky Sack skills with that fuzzy, bright spheroid, The German thought he might have won some to his side, and yet not a single peep was heard in support from the spectators. Finally this man decided to drop the charade and re-wrapped himself in his darkened cloak. Dejected and unsupported, the German lost the battle, and as it turns out, the war. But the story did not end here. Oh, no....

Chapter Two - Abuse of the Elderly

There was more tennis to be played and barely witnessed that fateful night! Many so-called fans fled the scene due to the late-ish hour and the cool-ish breeze. But those that remained were in for a real treat.

Impressively under their own power, two long-in-the-tooth (but not in a vampire way) senior citizens shuffled into view. They were ancient American tennis legends Jim Courier and Michael Chang. Amused by all the talk of old folks and misled by the repeated use of the word "classic," one fan's world was shattered when she realized that both of these players were less than ten years older than her.

The camera work may be sketchy at times, but quit complaining.

Like The German and The American before them, The Blonde One and The Asian One were worthy adversaries in their epic clash on the cobalt blue battlefield.

Just when it seemed like The Blonde One had the upper hand, that age-old, cruel mistress called Michael Chang reared its ugly head. (No offense, Michael. It's called "artistic license.") In the end, only The Asian One was left standing. Literally. Because The Blonde One was crouching. It was a glorious night, a fight filled with triumph and tragedy and, for some, a hot pretzel.

Chapter Three: The End

The end.

Combat Boots

2009-07-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

Is America catching soccer fever? Probably not, but maybe kinda. This past week has been chock-full and jammed packed and so on and so forth with what they call "the beautiful game." I always thought that term was a reference to Guess Who?, but apparently I was erroneous in that line of thinking.

There were a lot of battles on field this week, and here are some highlights from the past week, all of which were actually viewable on TV...

HIGHLIGHTS

Chelsea vs. Seattle Sounders: English super-club and my favorite, Chelsea, started their preseason here in the states, and boy were they busy. They started by putting in a very good showing against the Seattle Sounders, the relatively new addition to MLS partially owned by Drew Carey. They drew a huge crowd (over 60,000) for this very competitive game even though Chelsea won 2-0. I have to admit that I was rooting for Chelsea over the American side, but to be fair they are my team.

AC Milan vs. LA Galaxy: Like Chelsea, AC Milan began their preseason here in States. Actually, both teams were also here for another event this week, but I'll get to that in a minute. This matchup saw David Beckham's triumphant/angry and tumultuous return to his MLS team after having been loaned out through the first half of the season to...AC Milan. While he was away he missed the release of The Beckham Experiment, a book lambasting the midfielder's behavior since he came to play here several years ago. It was largely supported by many scathing quotes from teammate and US star Landon Donovan.

Anyway, to make a long story short (too late), Beckham did not return to a particularly warm reception and there was an incident and then it turned into an ordeal and now I think it's officially a resolution.

I wonder if the most popular player in the world has every felt this unpopular?

Here's the thing - this is one of those occasions where if LA wins the championship - they are currently third in the West - all is forgiven. However, if the Galaxy don't make it to the playoffs, be prepared for backlash. Especially since Beckham has already made his intentions clear to go back to AC Milan after the season. Good news for the Galaxy, though: this particular night they tied AC Milan.

US Women vs Canada: This was just an international friendly, but a significant milestone was reached nonetheless. The awesomely named Abby and then sort of boringly named Wambach scored her 100th goal. This was a long time coming. Last year before the Olympics when she was sitting on 99, I wrote a little item about her here. And then she broke here leg, which I wrote about here. After a very long year of recovering and missing out on winning a gold medal, Abby was back in form and was able to find the back of the net.

World Football Championship: This newly made-up championship brought four of the biggest names in football together for a preseason tournament. English Premiere giant Chelsea, Italian Serie A combatants AC Milan, Inter Milan, and Mexican Club America traveled across the country playing six games in a single week. Everywhere they went they were followed by huge crowds with the average attendance for the championship well over 60,000 and the largest crowd topping 81,000. Here's the moral of that story: Americans apparently like soccer so long as it's being played by the best in the world, the superstars of the sport. Because that's how we, as Americans, roll - we rock "best of" exclusively. We say, "No time for losers," although oddly enough a Zanzibar-born Brit beat us to the punch on that one.

Remember a few sentences ago when I mentioned the 81,000+ crowd? Well, I was one of those thousands. I got the chance to watch my Blues beat up on those dumb old Italians of Inter Milan at the Rose Bowl. It was awesome; I got to watch some of the biggest names in soccer play - John Terry (my fave), Anelka, Drogba, Lampard, Deco, Essien, Malouda, Kalou, Alex, Carvalho, Cole...that is one seriously stacked team. Pretending for the moment that this was the starting lineup (which it wasn't completely), the guys left on the bench could be their own all-star team and compete in the Premiere league by themselves. Well, not completely by themselves; technically there would need to be other teams in order for there to be competition. Anyway, it's crazy.

Some play down at my end. If you look carefully, you can spot the white ball in the upper middle portion of the picture, blending in with some fans.

The penalty kick: before...

...and after.

Also a word to the wise about attending an event at the Rose Bowl - don't do it. It is the stupidest parking set-up in the entire world, an assertion I can back up by my many mental travels around the globe. The Rose Bowl holds a shade over 90,000 people, so the fact that there is one tiny parking lot for about 1/9th of that is unforgivable. They make you park on the fairways and greens of a golf course near the stadium, a practice I do believe must irk the greenskeepers. (Not the band The Greenskeepers, although I don't know. Maybe it irks them, too.) This is after you must battle freeway traffic, exit traffic, and then a drive through a neighborhood on a single lane road with the traffic generated by 80,000 other people. This drive should take about 10 minutes. It took me almost two hours. I actually missed the first goal while I was literally, actually jogging 15 minutes from my car to my gate. The good news is I was able to see Frank Lampard score on a penalty kick and Chelsea won (yay)!

So after a week it came down to two games - Chelsea vs. Club America for the championship (Chelsea won again! Yay!) and a cross-town shootout between AC Milan and their rival Inter Milan. AC Milan played terribly the entire week and lost this one as well, but a fun part of their last match was a starting nod for Oguchi Onyewu. The American defender was recently traded to the Italian team from his club in Belgium, a huge deal for him personally as well as for Americans playing in Big Soccer.

US Men vs. Mexico: Granted it was the B-team, but the US lost- no, lost is not strong enough of a word...the US was demolished by Mexico, 0-5, to win the Gold Cup. Ouch.

UPCOMING EVENTS

This has been a lot of soccer, huh? Well, there was actually more that went on this past week but I've just given the highlights. In case you feel like you missed out on all the fun, there is more soccer coming your way...

Even though everyone else is in their preseason, the MLS is going strong and have reached the halfway mark of the season. The MLS All-Stars will be playing the English club Everton FC - including US Men's goalkeeper Tim Howard - on Wednesday, July 29th.
LA Galaxy will take on current UEFA champions Barcalona and international superstar Lionel Messi at the Rose Bowl. Perhaps you've seen that Adidas commercial about Messi where I swear it sounds like the voice over guy says, "They say his feet taste like timber in a crackling fire..." Why would anyone know that or say it or want to buy shoes from this person? Also playing for Barca is Thierry Henry, that one mystery dude from those Gillette commercials with Tiger Woods and Roger Federer. Saturday, August 1st.
Real Madrid will have their own mini-tour of the US and Canada as they battle both DC United and Toronto FC. This will be much anticipated as Real Madrid has acquired the top and now most expensive player in the world, Christiano Ronaldo (formerly of Manchester United). They also acquired Brazilian mega-star Kaka in addition to already employing half of the Dutch national team, currently ranked No.3 in the world. Real Madrid play Toronto FC on Friday, August 7th and DC United on Sunday, August 9th.
And last but not least, with the World Cup less than a year away, we are nearing the end of the qualifying process. Our next match, and a huge one at that, is against Mexico. It takes place in Mexico City, where the US side has never won, against a team that has just hammered us. Look for the US to bounce back, if for no other reason than to wipe a little mud off of our collective face(s). At least, that's what I'm hoping. Wednesday, August 12.

Elementary, My Dear Watson

2009-07-20T22:00:00.000-07:00

Or perhaps not it isn't so elementary after all. What an absolute shame for Tom Watson, and what a weird British Open over all this year. First of all, Tiger Woods didn't even make the cut, only the second time this has happened in his professional career. This is the guy that (naturally) everyone and their uninformed mothers in the sports media was predicting to win. It's not exactly the worst guess ever considering Tiger's track record. However, the guy isn't exactly playing out-of-this-world so far this season, especially in the majors - he tied for 6th in both the Masters and the US Open, and, as I have just mentioned, was cut before making it to this weekend.

Tiger is pictured here in silhouette because we, as a nation, cannot bear to look at this way.

I would like to make a sports-related comparison if I may, which I may because this is my blog and I can say whatever I want so there. This deal with Tiger sort of reminds me of another media friendly sport: football. When good quarterbacks get hurt, especially in the leg region, it takes a long time to recover, both physically and mentally. Just because the athlete has had a complete physical rehabilitation doesn't mean they are ready or even able to play at their highest level. Look at Carson Palmer, who had a massive knee blowout in 2005 and took several years to get back in form. Or Serena Williams, who tore her ACL in 2003 and struggled for several years after until she returned to her former self. And those are just two high profile examples off the top of my head - if you did some research (as I cursorily performed), you'd find the same thing from most athletes who had sustained knee injuries. It takes time to recover, and the worse the injury, the longer it takes to get back.

So in Tiger's case, the same appears to be holding true. He's not playing at 100%. Now, the reason why I make the analogy to NFL football in particular is because the media's treatment of the athletes is so similar. There is zero slack cut, zero x-factors taken into account. Quarterback plays = quarterback wins; Tiger plays = Tiger wins. I get why the networks would hope for Tiger's dominance. The more viewers, the more advertisers want to pay for spots, and that, in turn, is just more and more money in the networks' bank(s).

But the sports writers of the world? Just good old fashioned tunnel vision. I am not so conspiratorially driven as to believe that a network like ESPN would talk up Tiger or the British Open simply to aid in the viewership or advertising sales of their sister network, ABC, who aired The Open Championship. And furthermore, seeing as I have established that I am not a collusive minded individual, I do not think that this is some overarching evil scheme orchestrated by the Walt Disney Company, who coincidentally owns both networks. Or do I? By the way, speaking of quarterbacks, keep your eye on Tom Brady this year. Already the sports media are talking about how he's going to pick right up where he left off and lead his team to another Superbowl. I'm not so sure.

Mechanical footballs? Conspiracy!

Anyway, enough of Tiger Woods. I'm tired of talking about him. And yet, the whole Tom-Watson-choking-on-the-very-last-hole-of-the-entire-tournament thing pains me to talk about, so I won't. Instead, I will leave you with a weird, perhaps unnerving fact: Tom Watson's wife, Hilary Watson, was previously married to another golfer named Denis...Watson. So she never even had to change her name. Sort of creepy.

I want you to know that I know that the title of this blog is not actually a Sherlock Holmes quote. However, my other option was "Watson, you idiot. Someone stole our tent..." but I didn't think that worked.

My Days Are Numbered

2009-07-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

There have been 365 of them, to be exact. The Sideliner has turned one! We have officially been in business for an entire year, and by "we," I mean myself and my many personalities, but that's several other stories for another time.

I have a lot in common with this celebrating baby. First, we are both one year old - her literally and myself figuratively. Secondly, we both lack the fine motor skills that allow us to eat cake without smearing it all over our pig-faces. Thirdly, both of us need our diapers changed immediately.

A lot of things have happened in this single cycle around the sun - many sporting champions have been crowned, many athletes have experienced the heights and triumphs of athleticism, and still many others have disgraced their own names by participating in various illegal activities. My very first post ever was about Wimbledon, and so I will pay homage to myself by giving you a quick review of this year's fortnight at the All England Club. Federer won. I think that about does it...

Actually, it was a very good showing for American tennis considering we are far outnumbered by Russians and those from the other countries Russia used to oppress. Serena beat Venus in an all-American women's final, and then later that day the two of them won the double's title. The Bryan brothers were in the men's doubles finals (lost), Jordan Cox made it to the boys' finals (lost), and Andy Roddick so very almost won the men's finals (but lost). We also have some new hope for the future on the women's side with sixteen-year-old Melanie Oudin who made it in to the tournament by qualifying and played her way into the fourth round. And, of course, what Wimbledon would be complete without a beatdown from Martina Navritilova, who handily won the ladies' invitation doubles.

Congrats to Federer, I guess, for his big record-breaking 15th title, but the more I watch that guy the less I like of him. I thought he was extremely ungracious in his win over Roddick, especially considering the fact that he should have lost that match. Roddick clearly thought so, too. Federer has been an absolute baby in the past year during his series of losses, mostly to Nadal. He's pouted, he's smashed his racket...I think he's an amazing tennis player but he's shown his true colors. I get it - the man likes to win, but he's kind of a poor sport in both winning and losing. What better opportunity to be humble than when you are clearly the best, perhaps the best ever?

But I will not leave you with this as your last image of Wimbledon, as the last mental image of The Sideliner's first birthday celebration. Instead, I will leave you with this:

The Best Tennis Outfit Ever goes to Ann White, who sported this amazing unitard look in a 1985 match against Pam Shriver. Maybe Serena can bring this look back? I know she's always trying to be fashion-forward. Perhaps it would behoove us all to be a little fashion-backward.

Legal (and computer) Troubles

2009-07-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have to apologize, because I had written a bunch of posts and scheduled them to be published this week...and then they didn't get published for some reason. I would like to blame it on blogspot, however you and I both know it came down to something called "user error." Some of the posts I had written in the past week make no sense now, so I won't re-post them. Just know that they were some of the best pieces of writing that have ever flowed from brain to keyboard and were especially hilarious.

I have a Very Special Post coming your way in the next few days, but here's a little something to tide you over - one of the (sort of) relevant missing posts that isn't supposed to be funny and is sadly true. Enjoy...

***

How does this in any way make sense? After Donte Stallworth received a thirty day jail sentence for KILLING A MAN, I was already baffled by how that could possibly be. And now this.

A Sacramento man is going to be sentenced to three years in prison for the burglary and theft of Lance Armstrong's time trial bike. I...don't even know what to say about that. Three years for stealing a bike? And yet one month for taking someone's life while driving drunk? What an absolutely crazy world we live in. I cannot think of a bigger slap in the face to the victim's family, nor a bigger setback to the drunk driving policy.

To Stallworth's right: a man who's ability to sleep at night flabbergasts me.

This "sentence" sends the message to everyone that it is no big deal to drive drunk. So what if you kill someone? Don't worry, you'll barely be inconvenienced at all. And apparently the US legal system finds that Armstrong's $10,000 bike is worth more than someone's life. To quote a Woody Allen movie, "I object your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham!" And I do not mean that as a joke.

Goal Oriented

2009-06-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

What?! I hate to say it, but I am an official naysayer. I absolutely did not believe that the US could pull off a win against Spain, the number one team in the world, much less a 2-0 win. And all this after an absolutely ridiculous entry into the semifinals of the Confederations Cup in the first place. Rewind with me, if you would, to this past Sunday.

While you were probably watching MMP rock a two under par at the US Open, the US Men's National Team was lined up, ready to take on Egypt in the final round of group play. After a very poor showing against Italy and an even poorer one against Brazil, our guys had no wins, no draws, and no points. Brazil had clinched it's birth in the semifinals, but Italy and Egypt each had a chance to advance with a win. The only way, and I mean only way, that we could possibly advance, was if we pulled out a win of three or more goals AND if Brazil beat Italy by three or more. Three-nil scores are not exactly the norm, so two of them are even less likely. And yet, lo and behold, that is exactly what happened. The US put three in the back of the net and got some major help from our American neighbors to the south to advance to the semifinals.

Jozy Altidore (17) celebrates after his goal. You know what probably makes it sweeter for him? He plays for Villareal in Spain, and scored by beating out one of his teammates their. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Spainy! (...is something I'm sure he was overheard yelling.)

Although they looked good against Egypt, my thinking was, "The operative word here is: Egypt." I mean, it's one thing to beat a team ranked No. 40, and it is a far, far different thing to beat the top ranked team in the world. We sort of aren't in the same class...or at least I thought so. The Spanish side still dominated today's match - they out shot us 29-9. But a goal in the first half from 19-year old Jozy Altidore and one in the second from Clint Dempsey got it done today against La Roja. I guess it's the quality that counts, not the quantity.

This was a huge win for the US. Firstly, it ended Spain's fifteen game winning streak and 35 game unbeaten streak. This was also the first US win over the European country, and one of only two times we have bested any No. 1 team. In addition to all this, today's win marks the first time the US Men's National Team will appear in a final at a FIFA competition.

The final will be on Sunday, June 28th, but before that Thursday's game will determine who the US will face: either the host nation, South Africa, or another football giant, Brazil. Yeah, that Brazil. The one that beat us 3-0 last week. But I think at this point anything is possible, and that is exactly the attitude we need going into the fastly approaching World Cup. First thing's first, however, and I think we should all concentrate on this weekend. On Sunday I will definitely have my jersey on, cheering U! S! A!

The Supreme Court

2009-06-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

It's Wimbledon time! And we get another chance to watch defending champion Rafael Nadal go toe-to-toe with multiple title winner Roger Federer!...Oh wait, what? Nadal hurt his knee and has withdrawn from the field?...Well, I guess nevermind, then.

Much intrigue remains, however. As usual, everyone is playing for something, and Federer has the most on the line. After recently placing the ever elusive French Open feather in his overcrowded and much be-feathered cap, Fed has a few more goals in sight. With a win at the All England Club he would attain his sixth title there, and with that title he would beat the record he currently shares with Pete Sampras of 14 career Grand Slams. And that's not all. Federer would also regain his No. 1 ranking, ousting the injured Nadal.

Um...I'm not positive, but I'm fairly certain that Wimbledon has a very strict dress code, and they would never allow that black hat on the court.

The No. 2 spot is also up for grabs. If Federer does NOT win, Nadal keeps his spot atop the rankings. If either Djokovic or Andy Murray win, they will climb to No.2. As an added bonus, if Murray wins he'll be the first Brit to win Wimbledon since Fred Perry beat the pants off an actual, literal Nazi in 1936. It is difficult to root against Federer here but that's what I said a few weeks ago regarding Nadal at the French Open, so what do I know.

On the ladies' side, the situation is a little different. The No.1 ranked woman, Dinara Safina, is most certainly not a grass player. In fact, she has stated that "grass hates [me]." Not even she is expecting to get incredibly far, especially not with No.2 and No.3, the Williams sisters, in the field. Venus is defending back-to-back titles, a challenge she had already attempted a few years ago. Unfortunately, it didn't go so well - she lost the next two finals to her sister. Another player to always keep an eye on, especially at Wimbledon, is former champ Maria Sharapova, who has been playing excellently since returning from surgery. The tape is off her shoulder, and her serve is looking pretty fine. The big question is if she can go the distance - she completely ran out of steam in Paris.

Speaking of Sharapova, you know how when she plays it sounds like a small child is being systematically jabbed with sharpened sticks? It is also the sound I make going upstairs, but that's not to mask anything, it's just because I'm out of shape. Well, you and I aren't the only ones who hate it. Recently, billion-time champ Martina Navratilova spoke out against the trend of grunting and shrieking on the court, yelling, "I call it cheating and it's got to stop!" (Okay, she didn't yell it; she wrote it. And I added the exclamation point for extra emphasis. It's called dramatic license, people.)

The original Queen of Scream, Monica Seles. Ms. Seles is also the Queen of Eating Disorders and the Queen of Getting Stabbed.

Her theory, and I'll have to trust her on this one, is that the sound of the grunt/scream/screech covers the sound of the ball hitting the racket, making it more difficult to determine what the ball is going to do. In addition to this, she (correctly) believes that the screaming actually prevents viewers from tuning in and/or staying tuned. She has some other interesting things to say in her short diatribe here. Hopefully, the WTA will follow her admonishments and crack down, starting this very fortnight.

If your ears can stand it, stay tuned for the next two weeks. There's always drama at the All England Club, which is actually kind of weird because aren't the British known for their comedy?

The Winner Of My Discontent

2009-06-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm back after an unannounced vacation of sorts, and I do believe that a few congratulations are in order. After all, this is the "championship season," at least according to NBC marketers.

So the Lakers won. I am not particularly pleased, as the title of this piece may suggest. I guess I can't say that I dislike all of the players on the team, but boy do I really dislike Kobe. He's a great player and all, but what a horrible person. And don't talk to me about how awesome and personable he was on the Redeem Team because as I have already written, I ain't buyin'. That said, congrats to the rest of the team and their fans. The big celebration parade that occurred on Wednesday was well attended - there were 2,000 cops alone and exponentially more civilians. I can only think of one thing that is less appealing than the combination of an immense traffic headache and Lakers fans, and that is the combination of an immense traffic headache and Celtix fans. But I'm not cynical.

Oh wait, yes I am. Allow me to point out the face that Kobe is wearing an (ugly) shirt with a giant hand that has four rings on the fingers, representing his four championships. A black shirt in fact. Considering the rest of the team was wearing white shirts that contained neither giant hands nor giant cartoon rings, I find Kobe to once again be an arrogant jerk, singling himself out and completely and unnecessarily elevating himself above his team. One day, though, I'll tell you how I really feel.

Not to be outdone, but certainly to be out-watched by the American public, the Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup after stretching the series to a seventh game. I can confidently say they were my original pick to win, although I did abandon and reclaim them and re-abandon and then reclaim them several times. Pittsburgh has now claimed two championship titles in a row, having won the Superbowl only a few short months ago. Although I don't think the Pirates will make it a three-peat (and as a Reds fan I would obviously be actively rooting against that eventuality), very few cities can claim multiple winners in the same calendar year. Actually, I thought you might like to know exactly how many cities can act the braggart:

Year	City	Team 1	Team 2	Team 3
2004	Boston	Boston Red Sox (MLB)	New England Patriots (NFL)	-
2002	Los Angeles	Los Angeles Lakers (NBA)	Los Angeles Sparks (WNBA)	Los Angeles Galaxy (MLS)
2001	Los Angeles	Los Angeles Lakers (NBA)	Los Angeles Sparks (WNBA)	-
1998	Chicago	Chicago Bulls (NBA)	Chicago Fire (MLS)	-
1988	Los Angeles	Los Angeles Dodgers (MLB)	Los Angeles Lakers (NBA)	-
1979	Pittsburgh	Pittsburgh Pirates (MLB)	Pittsburgh Steelers (NFL)	-
1969	New York	New York Mets (MLB)	New York Jets (AFL)	-
1956	New York	New York Yankees (MLB)	New York Giants (NFL)	-
1952	Detroit	Detroit Lions (NFL)	Detroit Red Wings (NHL)	-
1938	New York	New York Yankees (MLB)	New York Giants (NFL)	-
1935	Detroit	Detroit Tigers (MLB)	Detroit Lions (NFL)	-
1933	New York	New York Giants (MLB)	New York Rangers (NHL)	-
1928	New York	New York Yankees (MLB)	New York Rangers (NHL)	-

Obviously Pittsburgh will be added to this very short list, so congrats to the Steel City. I think as a particularly pleasant cherry on top, The Economist has named Pittsburgh the No. 1 Most Livable City in the United States in 2009, and a rather impressive 29th Most Livable City worldwide. Good on ya, Pittsburgh.

This is a real picture from Mario Lemieux's pool party celebration at his mansion in Pittsburgh. The former Penguins hero and current owner and chairman of the board had everyone over to his colossal palace to...swim with the coveted trophy? I guess why not, right?

Man Your Stations

2009-06-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

I usually do a TV Pick of the Week in the right-hand column of The Sideliner. However, I wanted to take up regular ol' Sideliner space to highlight two big events that are happening this weekend that aren't the NHL or NBA Playoffs, because honestly I'm getting a bit bored with them.

Let's first tackle the Belmont Stakes, which is happening on Saturday. A while ago, I wrote about the Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird and the Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra, and how jockey Calvin Borel had ridden them both to victories and had the chance to win the Triple Crown. The question was, however, on which horse would he go for history to become the only jockey to win the Triple Crown on different horses? The decision was made for him, and much to my chagrin the owners of Rachel Alexandra have kept the filly out of the Belmont Stakes. This has left Mine That Bird open for Borel, and this already winning combination is currently the favorite. After a recent work out with the colt, Calvin hopped off and declared his horse would be victorious. Saturday, 5:30pm ET, ABC. (Pre-race at 5pm)

This finely bewhiskered youth is none other than August Belmont, namesake of the Belmont Stakes. This portrayal (which in my eyes looks like an old tyme police sketch) seems to say, "Yes, I have droopy eyes and a receding hairline, but doesn't my specifically manicured beard just draw your attention to my shapely chin?"

Okay, so on to the second must see this weekend - The French Open finals. Let's deal with the ladies first. My original pick went thusly: "My heart says Serena but my head says Safina." So far my head has been...well, head and shoulders above my heart, which is of course physiologically obvious but which is metaphorically a bit of a bummer. Safina will battle Serena-ouster Kuznetsova (boy howdy there are a lot of Russian tennis ladies) on Saturday for the chance to win her first major. Saturday, NBC, 9am ET.

Seriously, look at Safina's arms. The angle of this photo isn't doing anything to convince me that her head wasn't photoshopped on some he-man's body.

And now for the gents. In the semi-finals, Federer battled through five sets to defeat Juan Martin del Porto and head into his fourth consecutive final. Only this time he won't be facing the same opponent he's faced the last three years, the (former?) King of Clay, Rafael Nadal. Instead, he will be facing Robin Soderling, the No. 23 ranked player who took down Nadal several rounds ago. While I wouldn't mind seeing the underdog Soderling win, I would be very happy for Fed if he is able to finally capture his elusive missing Grand Slam title. Sunday, NBC, 9am ET. And by the way, trust me, East-Coasters, when I say that while it's awesome that both finals are live, it is not awesome that they start at 6am a-way out here, forcing the would be viewer to record the matches or wait for a re-airing, and then having to avoid any and all other programming lest the ever-running network tickers spoil it all anyway. I mean, for a hypothetical viewer.

Lords And Ladies Of The Court

2009-05-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so forget the fact that I named the Cleveland Cavs and Rafael Nadal to be champions of their respective sports. King James and The King of Clay have conspired to make me a liar and a fool, but that's okay.

The Cavs melted down in spectacular fashion. I will chalk some of their loss up to the fact that they played basically the one team that they just don't match up well against. They never won in Orlando this year, and the Magic won more games in Cleveland than they lost. Orlando (the city, not the fictitious man who decided to never age and then fell asleep and woke up with a woman's body) has the type of perimeter game that Cleveland just couldn't defend, especially not when they doubled Dwight Howard. They looked incredibly sloppy for a team that looked so awesome on every night prior to last week, and they appeared to forget one very key principle of this or any sport - when projected, a ball will always move faster than a person can run. I will now officially be rooting for the Magic with all of my might.

In a move that makes him a bit unpopular with me, James did not shake any players' hands from the opposing team after his loss on Saturday. "It's not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them." Um, I beg to differ, puppet-man. That is the exact definition of being a poor sport.

On the court of the clay variety, Nadal's loss against No. 25 Soderling was a big shocker for many reasons, obviously the first being his 32 game undefeated record at Roland Garros. The second would have to be the fact that as the defending champ he didn't even make it to the quarter-finals (neither did Ana Ivanovic on the women's side). The third is that he lost in four sets, and the one set he won went to a tie breaker. The kicker is that with this win over Nadal, Soderling, who is from Sweden, has protected his countryman's record. Bjorn Borg's four consecutive French Open titles would have been pushed out of the record books if Nadal could have secured the championship. But the good news is, Rafael Nadal is a champ of a person and gave a very humble and humorous interview, unlike LeBron who sulked for a few days before finally addressing his subjects. The other bit of good news is for Roger Federer, who now has a legitimate shot at completing his career Grand Slam and tying Sampras's 14 singles titles with both Nadal and Djokovic out of the way.

I realize that his shirt is a little askew on his body, but doesn't it look like his left arm is bulky and his right arm is strangely wimpy? I know he's left handed, but perhaps he should work on that right arm a bit more.

You know who isn't a champ of a person? Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez. I could probably add a few names in there and nobody would notice. Anyway, during the first set of her match against Serena Williams on Saturday (don't ask me which day or time it actually happened), Williams came up to the net to hit a cross-court slam but instead hit Martinez Sanchez who was also running up to the net. The ball whacked the Spaniard in the right arm, bounced onto her racket and then over the net. The umpire called the point for Martinez Sanchez which actually gave her the game, even though the rules of tennis state that if the ball touches a player the point is lost. A good sportsman would admit that this was indeed the case. Maria Jose Rodriguez Martinez Juan Castillo Sanchez did not.

In a rather impressive look into the future, sports-caster extraordinaire Mary Carillo predicted this image would be under Sunday's headlines. She said so immediately after Ms. Williams made a shot that was clearly impressive even to her. Ms. Carillo is impressive to me, as she has obtained a high level of two things that I do not possess: a knowledge of the sport and the ability to guess correctly.

Despite Serena's debate with the chair umpire, the Spaniard didn't pipe up and admit that she had been hit by the ball. In the end, all this served to do was make Serena mad, and you do not particularly want to play Angry Serena. She won the next two sets even after she weirdly starting choking for no reason during a change over, or as Mary Carillo referred to it, she "spit up." I had never before heard this term used outside of the realm of babies, which incidentally is part of my own royal title: Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Realm of Babies.

Pitch Men

2009-05-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

I suppose congratulations are in order for FC Barcelona, the now reigning champions of...well, the aptly named Champions League. Barcelona won the match after 90 minutes of gameplay yielded two goals - one from Samuel Eto'o and one from das ausgezeichnet Argentinian Wunderkind Lionel Messi. By the way, that sentence not the first time German and The Argentine have held dirty, Nazi hands. Wait. Not that that sentence was meant to have anything to do with Nazis...whatever. You know what I mean. The point is, the señors from Spain beat down the men from Manchester, aka America's Team, but certainly not my team.

You might be surprised to find that you probably know one player from FC Barcelona - Theirry Henry. Remember those Gillette commercials with Roger Federer and Tiger Woods? Well, he's that other random black dude with the accent.

I have to say that although I don't care much for or about FC Barcelona, I am glad that if Chelsea was going to lose to someone (as they did), they may as well have lost to the champs.

Net Worth

2009-05-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day. Did you remember what memorialized memories you were meant to be remembering? Good.

Did you also remember to watch the French Open kick off? I didn't! Well, I did, except I have no real concept of World Time and I forgot that our Sunday is actually France's Monday. But even though the festivities have already gotten underway, I just wanted to make a few predictions and throw out a few story lines to watch. Of course, by "watch" I mean "eventually hear about," because so far not a single network has shown a single match. The Tennis Channel has come close with some highlights, but not a peep about it over the holiday. Which, actually, I don't get - no one is working on Memorial Day. Everybody knows this. Why not switch up the TV schedule accordingly? Why should I be "forced" to watch Tyra and then three hours of People's Court and then a Cops marathon when I could be watching the top tennis stars mercilessly beat down the non-seeds? I'm talking to you, NBC.

Speaking of all things French, what do you think it says about us as people that this fat man in a maid's outfit was the third option when google-ing the word "french?" (FYI, the first picture is of a rather poorly computer-made graphic of the French flag, and the second is a painting of the French Revolution in which there are scantily clad dead people and small children brandishing guns. Surprisingly similar to modern day France, actually.)

Anywaaaaaaaay, here's the deal....

The draws have been quite kind to us this year, and have the promise of some awesome and very TV friendly match-ups (should we be allowed to see them). On the men's side, we have the always compelling battle between Nadal and Federer which has been made more interesting by Federer's recent win over the Spaniard on clay in Rome. A big confidence booster for Federer, but will it be enough?

With his first round win at Roland Garros, Nadal has passed Bjorn Borg's record of 28 consecutive wins at the major, and tied Chris Evert's record of 29 wins. (Editor's Note: Since I wrote this he has broken the record with 30 wins.) Perhaps even more impressive, Nadal is still undefeated for his entire career at the French Open. That's a lot of momemtum. Also, Federer will have to get past Novak Djokovic in order to make it to the final. If he does, both he and Rafael Nadal have something to play for besides the regular "I'm better, no I'm better" business. A win for Nadal will make him the only person to win five straight singles titles at the French Open. A win for Federer will complete his career Grand Slam. If they both make it to the finals, I don't think I can pick against The King of Clay.

Nadal vs. Borg in the battle of weird-faced, sweatbanded forehands.

With the women, there are a couple of story lines. Although I feel like a broken record, I'm going to have to start with the Williams sisters. Venus has never won the French Open, but she has been to the finals...where she lost to her sister. However, Serena, who's been on fire this year, is nursing a knee injury that has kept her out of play in the last few weeks and even forced her to retire from a recent tournament. But, like the guys, she's got something big to play for as well. Serena has won the last two majors - the US Open and the Australian Open (and appeared in the finals at Wimbledon). A win at the French Open would get her one step closer to a consecutive Grand Slam, which would actually be the second time she's done that, and also one stop closer to a real Grand Slam - winning all four majors in the same season.

Did you think I would miss another weird-faced sweatband wearer? You know so little about me.

However, Serena has got a very long way to go and a lot of big names to get through first, including No. 1 Dinara Safina and reigning champ Ana Ivanovic. Also don't count out Maria Sharapova, the former No. 1 who has been recuperating from shoulder surgery for the last nine months. Like Federer, Sharapova is missing only the French Open in her quest for a career Grand Slam. However, unlike Federer, she is an extreme long shot this year. Who am I picking? My heart says Serena but my head says Safina. And then my stomach says, "Don't you think that box of donuts looks good? Why don't you eat them all."

On His High Horse

2009-05-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Calvin Borel and Rachel Alexandra!

Rachel Alexandra beats Mine That Bird by a length. The filly was so kind as to take a moment out of her very busy race to look right at camera for this picture. She's a people's horse. Actually, she really is, because the ratings for this year's Preakness was the highest in five years.

There has been so much craziness surrounding this year's Triple Crown, but since, like, ten people care about horse racing, you may not be aware. Here's the deal: Borel, who had won the Kentucky Oaks on Rachel Alexandra and the next day's Kentucky Derby on Mine That Bird (the seventh person to ever do that), made it very clear that he was a bigger fan of the filly, Rachel Alexandra, than the Derby winner Mine That Bird. Before he even won The Derby, he also stated that he wished he was riding Rachel Alexandra and that she was the best horse he had ever been on. The only reason Rachel Alexandra didn't race in the Derby is because her owner didn't think fillies (not the Phillies) should run with colts (not the Colts, although no word on whether the owner thinks the Phillies and the Colts could or should run together).

Then, after The Derby, Rachel Alexandra was sold for a silly amount of money to Jess Jackson, the very old and creepy-looking but possibly very nice owner of Curlin, the 2007 Preakness winner and otherwise big deal, with whom he intends to breed Rachel Alexandra to create a "superhorse." Also weird? Mine That Bird and Curlin had the same sire. So anyway, Jackson then entered Rachel Alexandra into The Preakness. Calvin Borel immediately switched his mount to the filly, leaving Mine That Bird open for jockey Mike Smith, who's girlfriend, incidentally, was the jockey that rode him in Canada. On Saturday, Rachel Alexandra beat out Mine That Bird to win The Preakness, becoming the first filly to win in 85 years, which is awesome. She was also the first horse in The Preakness to win from the last and 13th post.

But the weirdness doesn't stop there, because Mike Smith, the jockey who rode Mine That Bird into a place finish at The Preakness, cannot ride the horse in the third leg of the Triple Crown, The Belmont Stakes, because of a previous commitment to another horse. And Jess Jackson has not yet committed to whether or not Rachel Alexandra will run in the mile-and-a-half race.

So essentially, Calvin Borel, or as I have previously dubbed him, The Cryin' Cajun, will have his pick of horses for the Belmont. It's no secret he would choose Rachel Alexandra, but if she doesn't run will he go back to Mine That Bird? With wins at The Kentucky Derby and The Preakness, Borel has already become the first jockey to win the first two jewels of the Triple Crown on different mounts. No matter which horse he rides at The Belmont, he is one win away from becoming the first jockey to ever win the Triple Crown on different horses, which would be impressive, indeed.

This is a chart of brain activity while attempting to comprehend all of the twists and turns of American horse racing. Or at least other people's. My minimized brain capacity keeps me right around the first four boxes.

I'm sure The Belmont Stakes (Saturday June 6th) is psyched, or rather its organizers are psyched, that this race now has some relevance. Usually by this time of year the threat of a Triple Crown winner has been trampled underfoot by the hooves of so many thoroughbreds. I'm hoping that Borel wins, and I hope he does it riding Rachel Alexandra because girl power and all that jazz.

Around The World In Eight-y Ways

2009-05-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

Do you ever watch the news? You know how there are some days there is absolutely nothing to report and other days they can't fit it all in and then still other days they are drunk while reporting the death of hobos? This is one of those times that fall under the middle option, and I have a lot of ground to cover, so let me get right to it.

As the title might suggest, my post today will take the form of eight blurbs.

1. THE LAKERS

Well, the Lakers certainly did beat a team - at home - missing a majority of their key players and who had no centers. That's quite a feat. Let's just see how they fair against Denver. I believe I have rather clearly cemented in the minds of us all my poorly portending so take this as you will, but I'm predicting the Nuggets will be in the Finals. More rest, hotter streak.

2. THE CELTIX

Hahahahaha!

3. LA SOL

So as to not be a complete hypocrite regarding my former rants about women's soccer, I have put my money where my mouth is and have officially attended a professional women's soccer game. Of course, I didn't have to put a ton of money there, because the regularly priced $50 tickets only cost me $4.95. It was really fun, though, with a couple of good shots on goal, but I have to admit that the ladies seemed to poop out by about the 75th minute.

As you can see, not the fullest stadium I've ever been in.

4. ROGER FEDERER

He's not dead yet! In a welcome addition to the ongoing rivalry between himself and Rafael Nadal, Federer beat his Spanish foe in a recent tournament - on clay! Only the second time he's beaten Nadal on the surface and his first title of the season, this is a much needed confidence boost for the former No. 1. It also doesn't hurt that he ended Nadal's 33 win streak on clay. Perhaps they will meet up at Roland Garros? More on that to come since the French Open kicks off on Monday...

5. JELENA DOKIC

In other tennis news, remember Jelena Dokic from the Australian Open? If you don't, you might want to remind yourself about it here. There has been another chapter added to her saga, as her father was detained for allegedly threatening the Australian ambassador, apparently with a rocket. He was angry about an interview in which Dokic said he beat her. His response to this was to claim innocence and to become angry and threaten violence, as you do when attempting to clear your name of accusations of anger and violence. You might also add, "there is no child that was not beaten by parents - the same with Jelena." Because again, innocent.

6. MICHAEL PHELPS

Phelps is back in the pool after the completion of his suspension. Think about the lung capacity on that guy - he must get quite an Olympic-sized hit off his bong. But all that pot smoke evidently had little to no effect on his lungs, because Phelps performed well. He has unveiled a new stroke and a new strategy, the former looking very similar to what I would call "the windmill." The latter involves dropping his longer races and concentrating on shorter distances, sprints, and formerly un-Phelpsian areas such as the backstroke. Because he doesn't dominate quite enough.

As it is known in the Netherlands, "De Hollandsche Vindmeel" or "The Dutch Windmill" was named after the moves of the infamous Dutch pugilist Kaspar Van den Vindmeellen.

7. DAVID BECKHAM

Boy, that guy cannot get out of the United States fast enough (as predicted...) He wants to get back to AC Milan "as soon as possible," as he wants another go at winning the Champions League. I can't blame the man, and although I can certainly complain a little, who can stay mad at that face?

8. NFL ON TV

Two things here, both kind of exciting. First of all, it has been announced that my beloved Bengals are going to be featured on one of my favorite shows, Hard Knocks. I cannot explain to you how awesome this is and will not bother trying. Expect a few posts on as we head into the NFL preseason. Also, there has been an official switch with the much and exceedingly rightfully maligned Monday Night Football crew. Tony Kornheiser, who I love on PTI but who I don't love so much on MNF, has announced his departure from the show citing reasons having to do with his fear of flying. He will be replaced by Jon Gruden, which should be weird and...good? There will certainly be less inanity.

For the protection of Jaws and Mike "Baby Face" Tirico, Jon Gruden will be banned from bringing any sharp or blunt weaponry into the announcing booth. All of Mr. Gruden's ripped overalls will be provided by Brooks Brothers.

Seventh Heaven

2009-05-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a very competitive week in sports. Before the week is out there will have been five Game Sevens in both the NBA and NHL - Lakers vs. Rockets, Celtix vs. Magic, Penguins vs. Capitals, Bruins vs. Hurricanes, and Ducks vs. Redwings. Now that's what you call tight. I know, because I heard you.

Three of those five (the hockey games) have already been decided. Once again, I could not have been more wrong about my predictions and my re-pick to win it all, the Washington Capitals, lost to the Penguins, which were my original pick to win it all. Now I don't know who to root for. The Eastern Conference Finals will pit Pittsburgh against Carolina, and the Western Conference Final has Detroit playing Chicago. Anything seem odd about the second part of that sentence? How about the fact that Detroit and Chicago are in the Western Conference. I guess by "west" they mean "west of states that touch the Atlantic Ocean or any of it's sundry inlets," which is probably a pretty accurate description to how the East Coast thinks of the rest of the country anyway.

This is an actual map of the United States from a Massachusetts text book.

And now onto the NBA and the Game Sevens that have yet to be played. I have nothing to say about the Celtix series with Orlando that you haven't heard me say before, but I shall say it anyway: Boo hex Celtix! Moving on, I have to tell you, friends...the Lakers are in serious trouble. This series with the Rockets has exposed some rather sizable cracks in the facade.

Let's break it down. Houston is not a bad team, but they have been missing their two biggest players, Tracy McGrady and, beginning with the fourth game in this series, Yao Ming. So with these two starters out of the picture, the Rockets clobbered the Lakers in Game Four. This could have been because of two reasons: a) they got complacent and lazy and weren't expecting a tough game after it was announced Yao Ming was out for the season, or b) there was/is something fundamentally flawed with the way they are playing right now. The Lakers came back strong in Game Five, but their performance in Game Six really shows that they just aren't as good as we thought they were. They've all been playing extremely inconsistently, including Kobe Bryant, and they look overmatched against a team comprised mostly by bench players. Not that I'm complaining.

Right now the Rockets have nothing to lose and it's a one-and-done situation, so I'm very curious to see what happens. Even if the Lakers do what they are supposed to and eke one out at home, they would next have to face the Denver Nuggets, who are arguably the hottest team in the league right now. I cannot tell you how much I shall be rooting for the Mile High City.

Remember when a guy could wear tiny, tight shorts and a rainbow shirt and be considered extremely manly? I don't, because I was, like, five.

Great Minds Think Alike

2009-05-08T16:11:00.001-07:00

Recently I posted about how ridiculous the Yankees and their ticket prices are. As it turns out, somebody much, much funnier than me and has a job writing for The Onion had the same feeling.

Slashed Ticket Prices Allow Lesser Nobility To Attend Yankees Games

NEW YORK—Dukes, barons, viscounts, and earls are applauding the Yankees' recent decision to cut prices on dugout and foul-line field-level seats in half, from as much as $2,500 per game down to an amount the minor houses consider far more reasonable.

ENLARGE IMAGE

"Naturally I am quite pleased to attend my very first Yankees game, a spectacle that my merely adequate standing had until now denied me," said His Lordship the Duke-Chancellor of Arkengarth-upon-Settle, who often listens to Yankees games on satellite radio while tending to his 683-square-mile estate in Wales. "Until now, I have had to satisfy my sporting curiosity in less costly arenas, often hosting three-day fox hunts or airplane races upon the grounds of our family estate. But by mortgaging only half my landholdings, I am finally able to see the Yankees play the Red Sox."

"It is truly magnificent," said His Serenity the Archduke of Lesser Saxony, watching Joba Chamberlain struggle against energized Boston hitters. "Though the Duchess and I would often speak of seeing a Yankees game one day, somehow our ticket money was always being spent to build a cathedral or launch a fleet of ships. When we were given this opportunity, we thought, 'Well, what's one less cask of jewels in the treasury?'"

Though they are one of the most legendary teams in sports, the Yankees have often struggled with the perception among the landed gentry that they are unfriendly to those who fall beneath the rank of Prince-Consort, are further back than 15th in line to the throne, or cannot trace their lineage back to Queen Boudicca.

"They certainly are caught up in their history," said Her Preeminence the Contessa Lady Persephone-Fontlesbury du Wadicourt, whose 19-times-great uncle was given his lands, coat of arms, and title by King Philip VI for his role as a footman at the Battle of Crécy, and whose castle doubles as a national museum. "Witness the monument garden and those retired numbers. And the statuary! Really, it's all a bit ostentatious, if I'm honest."

Lady du Wadicourt's peers agreed. "I know that part of what I'm paying for is the Yankee mystique, but seriously, even at half-off, this is a bit ridiculous," said Raja Nuur Perak Ismaramudsa, who by tradition is descended from the ancient god of fire whose ribs formed the Indonesian islands that he governs from an alabaster and onyx palace. "There's a limit to how much your mythology lets you ask of a person, and the Yankees are really pushing it."

"Especially with A-Rod and [Jorge] Posada on the DL," the Raja added. "Between the ticket prices and the awful baseball, I'm surprised these peasants don't take up arms and overthrow the front office."

Yankees management would not comment on the price cuts, but said it was glad to see people in the seats even if they were in fact merely lesser nobility.

"The Yankees, much like the city they play in, have never cared about the size of your fortune, so long as you have one," said Hal Steinbrenner, the team's managing general partner. "Sure, we'd prefer to have the Queen Herself in the dugout seats, but if that's not possible, we'll take whoever we can get until the economy gets back on its feet."

Her Britannic Majesty the Queen of England Elizabeth II, Duchess of Lancaster and of Normandy, Lord High Commander of the United Kingdom and Defender of the Faith, has not held Yankees tickets since the spring of 1982, when they were sold to pay for the Falklands War.

And Another One Gone

2009-05-07T10:06:00.001-07:00

Remember all that "Manny From Heaven" business? Well, never mind.

The breaking news in the sports world today is that Manny Ramirez has tested positive for a performance enhancing substance and has been suspended 50 games beginning today. It is unclear what the substance of choice was, but it was illegal regardless.

This is very bad news for the Dodgers, who have the best record in baseball right now and yesterday secured a historic 13-0 home record. It will be interesting to see what happens to the team right now. Luckily, they have Joe Torre at the helm, and he's no stranger to these types of situations and spotlights.

This latest disgrace to baseball is particularly shocking, because Manny had been given a pass, so to speak, as essentially being a natural hitting freak instead of a suspected steroid user. He has never been linked to any real steroid talk (except by the apparent prophet Jose Conseco), and he's such a likable character. But in immediate hindsight, I think there were clues, and I'm not talking about stats.

Why did Boston dump Manny so hastily? Why wouldn't any team touch Manny with a ten foot pole throughout the off-season? Maybe the Dodgers suspected (not knew; I don't think they knew until last night or this morning, or they wouldn't have done the whole Mannywood thing) and figured they'd take a chance and see how it turned out. Maybe Manny wouldn't have gotten tested, maybe he wouldn't test positive. What substance was it? Ramirez claims it was a prescription that he and his doctor were unaware were on the list of banned substances. Do we all buy that? I wonder how popular Mannywood tickets will be now.

I am personally disappointed, because I like(ed?) Manny, as you probably have recently read here on The Sideliner. That's the second big blow to me, because Roger Clemens was my favorite as a kid. At this point baseball has more black eyes then a battered women's shelter. At least this time they gave it to themselves before someone else could do it.

Manny will be eligible to return on July 3, less than two weeks before the All-Star break.

Pro Et Contra III: The Alien Wars

2009-05-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

A few pros and cons, and I'm not talking about professionals and convicts, although I am talking about sports and so technically there are plenty of both of those things to be found and some athletes that are actually both of those things at the same time. But I digress.

THE KENTUCKY DERBY

PRO: An underdog won the Kentucky Derby! At 50-1, I made a whole lot of money on good ol' Mine That Bird and the Cryin' Cajun™, jockey Calvin Borel. Also a pro? They didn't have to kill another horse as it lay snorting and sweating and whinnying in the dirt, racked with intense pain. I guess the Polo Pony Massacre of '09 was sufficient in meeting the dead horse quota for the year. CON: Unfortunately, all that money I made is only imaginary, as I did not bet. Even even if I had, though, I certainly wouldn't have bet on Mine That Bird. But retroactively I have imaginary millions and shall spend accordingly.

Camera's over here, bro.

THE BOSTON CELTIX

(I'm going to have to assume they want an "x" in their name, like in all Boston sports names, such as the Red Sox and the Patriox.)

PRO: Hmmm....very little. I suppose they did advance after their close bout with the up-and-coming Chicago Bulls. But barely. A pro for me is that they lost their first game of this series with the Orlando Magic. At home, heh heh heh. CON: The Boston Celtix.

DALLAS COWBOYS

PRO: There were only 12 people injured in the collapsing of the roof of one of their practice facilities this weekend and no fatalities. CON: Their negligence in having the building inspected after it was re-roofed last year cost one of their employees very dearly. Rich Behm, the 33-year old scouting assistant, is now paralyzed from the waist down. Perhaps a bit of a bummer pro/con, so read on...

HOUSTON ROCKETS

PRO: It looked like Yao Ming seriously hurt his giant Chinese knee, but he toughed it out and was key in the final minutes to achieve a personally (to me, not Yao, although probably him, too) pleasurable Game 1 win over the Lakers in LA. CON: No cons here, really, except I guess technically Ron Artest, but only in the truest sense of the word because actually he was really awesome last night against the Lakers.

Did You Know? Yao has many talents off the court as well as on. Pictured here: Yao Ming's appearance on Dawson's Creek.

MVP LEBRON JAMES

PRO: There are two pros here: Bron Bron winning and perhaps more importantly, my prediction of the same. CON: I'd say that it could possibly be distracting for him and/or the Cavs as they start their second round series against the Atlanta Hawks, but I honestly don't believe it will be. The other con is that every time anyone says "MVP" I anticipate a Mario Van Peebles sighting and am severely disappointed.

PENGUINS vs CAPITALS

PRO: What an awesome matchup: Sid the Kid vs Alex the Great. The two biggest stars in hockey going head to head. Last night's matchup did not dissappoint, with both Crosby and Ovechkin scoring hat tricks. The Capitals were able to come out on top with a final score of 4-3 and a 2-0 lead in the series. CON: I believe my lack of hockey knowledge has already blown my Stanley Cup predictions into tiny, delicious bite-sized pieces which I have gobbled up, a dish I call Humble Pie. Seeing as that is the case, I am really rooting for the Washington Capitals from here on out. Go Caps! (Note: I do not know if they are called the Caps but if they don't, they should.)

Manny From Heaven

2009-04-30T15:01:00.001-07:00

I know. I've been gone a long time. But it's because I've been very busy watching all of these playoff games and baseball games and soccer games or matches or whatever they're called. Oh, and working and sleeping and plenty of eating.

There are a lot of amazing things that have happened since last we talked. The Bulls have become awesome, the Capitals, down three games to one, have mounted a very exciting and winning comeback, and my precious, precious Chelsea have been so good that only one home game stands between them and the Champions League finals.

But as interesting as all of those things are, there have been a few items of late that have caught my attention(s), and they're pretty much all baseball related.

First, I love Manny Ramirez. He's very good (obviously), he's hilarious, and his name is the pet-name of a gender. Plus, he has three sons, naturally two of which are named Manny. Amazing. The Dodgers like him, too, and have instituted a new stadium tradition in his honor. Starting tonight two field level sections out in left where Manny is located are now officially "Mannywood." For $99, the number on Manny's back, you get two tickets and a Mannywood t-shirt. I think that's fun, and also exploiting something that is worth exploiting. It seems like I've said the word "Manny" a lot in this paragraph. Manny.

The name Manny reminds me of the manniest man of all, Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. Also, there is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. Only another fist.

Shifting gears only slightly, how 'bout them Yankees? As Dodger Stadium has made purchasing outfield seats more appealing, so have the Yankees made thier seats more appealing. After surprisingly low numbers of attendance, the management has lowered ticket prices. Sounds really nice, doesn't it? Well, it is if you are one of the 100 people who this affects. The premium seats that were selling for $2500 a pop (that's per game), of which there are only 100 and of those only 40-50 unsold, are now slightly more "managable."

I am not a communist; not all seats are worth the same amount, and if you have the money and want to spend it at Yankee Stadium, more power to you. But it seems very seedy of the Yankees to chop the prices of an extremely tiny amount of seats meant for the wealthiest folks, and yet keep the regular ticket prices the same. You know, for the other 52,225 people at the game. Especially those middle range tickets being purchased by former ticket holders who can't afford to formally hold tickets any longer.

How the hoi polloi can afford to watch a Yankees game: perched so high that field binocs are required. Word of advice to the man on the right - you might want to take those caps off, buddy.

I guess it's all about impressions, because wouldn't you know it? All of those discounted seats are right where the camera can see. So, for the same price that Dodger fans will pay for two tickets and a festive t-shirts proclaiming, "Yo estuve en Mannywood!" ("I was in Mannwood!"), Yankees fans can sit by themselves and watch a man who has now rounded out all of the ways in which a human being can cheat, their steroid-taking, pitch-tipping, adulterer of a third baseman.

Get Your Skates On

2009-04-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

We are officially on our way, and by "we" I guess I mean "me," because I can't in good conscience speak for you. So let me rephrase that: Me are officially on our way!

The Playoffs are now in full swing, and that includes both NBA and NHL. Incidentally, I did a little research into the names of both the NBA and the NHL because I was curious as to why one is an association and the other is a league. After looking them up the answer was so obvious it's sort of silly I didn't think of it before; an association is a group of individuals who come together to accomplish a common purpose, while a league is the distance a person, or a horse, can walk in one hour's time (about 3.5 miles).

This horse is threatening to change the definition of the word "league" by donning roller skates.

I spent all weekend flipping back and forth between the mini marathons of basketball and hockey games, with a few stop offs for the Dodgers and several movies I had rented from Netflix (all of which I would recommend and yet none of which I will tell you. How d'ya like them apples?) The fact that I do not especially know or care anything at all about hockey is well documented, but for some reason I'm sort of into the playoffs this year. I'll chalk it up to the fact that I got to see a live game not too long ago. Plus, I've found that if you really pick one team and stick with them, whatever the inane reasoning, you'll be more entertained. Consequently, I've learned that if you want to know the guaranteed loser of any particular game, just give me a ring.

By the way, why must the playoffs all be seven game series, as it is in both the NBA and NHL? My suggestion is that all the rounds before the finals be best of five. The finals can stay how they are. This way the the concept of winning a majority of games to make sure the better team gets through will still be honored, it just won't take so very long. But no one asked me. At least not in an official capacity.

So without further ado, well...maybe with a little ado (ado), and with the benefit of several days worth of games that have already been played, here are my Playoff Picks.

As stated previously, with hockey I'm just choosing teams based on any old reason rolling around in my head. In the West, I'm picking the Ducks to beat San Jose, because Anaheim is a lot closer to me geographically. I am also going with the Canucks over the St. Louis Blues, because Canadians really care very deeply about hockey so who are any of us to defy their dreams, and least of all anyone from St. Louis? I am, however picking the Chicago Blackhawks over the Calgary Flames, because I like Chicago more than wherever remote corner of Canada Calgary is. And I'm picking Columbus to beat Detroit, because of the whole Ohio vs. Michigan thing.

Chicago will beat Anaheim, Canucks will beat the Blue Jackets, and the Canucks will head to the finals. Who will they face?

The East is a better division (I'm guessing), so the picks are more difficult, but since I don't know much to begin with there's not much to struggle over. The Boston Bruins will beat the Canadiens, because duh. In the cross-state shootout which pits Pittsburgh against Philadelphia, I have a feeling that Sid the Kid (and there goes the my entire list of nameable hockey players) will lead the Penguins to victory, even though that's the least ferocious mascot ever. I believe the Washington Capitals will beat the New York Rangers for no reason whatsoever, and I'm picking the New Jersey Devils over the Caroline Hurricanes in a battle of who I could possibly care about less.

I'm hoping Pittsburgh beats dumb ol' Boston, but I'm a realist. Oh wait, no I'm not. So the Penguins will meet the Capitals in the semis and win again.

Final: Penguins vs. Canucks, and the Canucks take the Stanley Cup back to the land of syrup and ice and nationalized health care, or as I call it, "that bit between us and more us."

I know a little bit more about the ball in a bushel sport than hockey, so I feel a lot more confident about my picks. Just don't use them to make any bets in Vegas or on any Bahamanian websites.

In the West, no question the Lakers will clobber Utah, it pains me to say. I think Houston will also handily beat Portland for the "upset." I'm picking San Antonio to beat Dallas because I inexplicably like the Spurs, and I think Denver will top New Orleans, although the Hornets will put up a fight. I could tell you about the semis, but it doesn't matter because the Lakers will be in the final.

In the East, I'm rooting for Chicago to beat Boston because I hate all New England sports. Orlando will best Philadelphia. Now, Atlanta and Miami is a tough one because I think they're both really good teams, and I like D-Wade, but I'm going to go with the underdog Atlanta. I like Al Horford a lot, plus I have a personal and yet not personal connection to Speedy Claxton, the explanation for which I will not bore you with here. As in the West, it does not matter about the semis, because Cleveland is rolling to the finals.

Final: I already called this one a while ago. Bron-Bron wins the trophy and the MVP of the league, because just like a horse he could totally walk 3.5 miles in an hour, but not if the horse is on skates.

A Stroke of Luck

2009-04-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

Angel Cabrera's golf ball was buried behind a 3 foot thick tree stump, and then found the trunk of another tree before bouncing out into the fairway. I don't believe in luck or chance, but what are the chances one man could be so lucky?

El Pato has waddled his way into the hearts of America!...That's not true, but it sounded nice.

Also, how very sad are you for Kenny Perry? As sad as me? What a heart breaker. To be fair, though, I did temporarily jump off his emotional ship during the front nine on Sunday because MMP was sallying forth; alas, to no avail. Which brings me to the first of my two major points today. I'm sure you already know my feelings about Tiger Woods, but please read nothing into this next statement because it is an objective one: MMP was a better golfer on Sunday than Tiger Woods, and not in a way like before. This new way bodes well for Mickelson. Please allow me to explain.

Obviously Philly has won tournaments and Philly has lost them (ahemWingfootahem). On the other hand, Tiger has never lost a tournament although he has, of course, not won them. A huge difference. Tiger plays dominant golf. He putts for dough, as they say, and since his drives are broadcast to the exclusion of all others, I guess he technically drives for show as well. How dominant is he? Jennifer Brown of UC Berkley released a study last year about how Tiger effects everyone else on the course. After analyzing a lot of stats, she came up with this trend - when Tiger plays in a tournament, the field gains one more stroke than when Tiger is not present. This increases or decreases according to how well Tiger is doing. When he's on a streak the field gains two strokes and when he's in a slump, as he was in 2003-04, the margin also slumps down to essentially no extra strokes. Why this occurs could be chalked up to Tiger's talent, his will to win, the intimidation of playing with such a person, the love afair/ bias of the media towards said person, the supposed Tiger-proofing of golf courses, or a combo of all or some of the above.

A fascinating fact: Ms. Brown came up with her answers on this state-of-the-art Berkley system of knobs and buttons. How it works is: you ask it, à la a magic eight ball, any question you want. In this case you would ask, "Computer, is Tiger better than everyone else?" And after some beeping and booping, it responds, "Computer! Says! Yea!" It's very scientific.

The point is that if Tiger is in contention on the last day of a major, and if Tiger has an even score with another golfer, such as...MMP, for instance, statistics show that Tiger will beat them, if not win the entire tournament. Now combo this with the fact that the words "Phil Mickelson" and "choke" have been uttered more than once in the same sentence and then let us rewind to Sunday afternoon at Augusta. In what essentially amounted to a two-man game within a game, Tiger should have beat Philly - but he didn't. An anomoly, or can MMP parlay this trend-bucking into something more? (Yes.)

Hopefully a preview of the next major match up?

And now for my second mind-blowing assertion, this time regarding Kenny Perry. After learning on Sunday that nice guys finish second, I was bummed by Kenny P's post tournament interviews. He was making rather fatalistic statements about his future, saying he would probably never be that close to winning a major again. I know he's on the older side, but why couldn't he? I contend...wait for it...that Kenny Perry could very well win a major. Please allow me to explain.

Kenny P has been a pro since 1982, where he's generally struggled and/or done averagely...until this decade. Prior to 2000 Perry had three wins on the PGA Tour. In the last eight years he has won ten times, plus a Presidents Cup and a Ryders Cup. Since 2003 he has been in the Top 10 world rankings for fifty-four weeks. In the ten times he's stepped on the golf course already this season, Perry has found himself in the Top 10 six times. Last year he wanted very badly to be on the Ryder Cup team in his home state of Kentucky. He set his mind on it, he worked very hard for it, and he accomplished it. So I've learned two things about Kenny P from all of that: 1. He gets better with age, and 2. When he puts his mind to something he can do it. I might have more faith in Kenny Perry then Kenny Perry, but I think he's got a chance at a major. Note to Kenny Perry: Please win and make me look like a genius. Thank you.

Cheers! (And Maybe A Jeer Or Two!)

2009-04-08T01:28:00.001-07:00

It's about that time again for Congratulations!, a post in which I dole out a round of hearty congratulations to those who are deserving and/or "deserving."

Congrats to the UNC Tar Heals! They are who we thought they were! I applaud the fact that their top players all did a very unusual and commendable thing - they stayed their senior years. When most NBA caliber players ditch their college teams as fast as they can for the money and fame of the Big League, these guys stayed. All of them. Eight out of seventeen. They placed value on comradeship, on scholarship, on accomplishing the unpurchasable goal of being National Champions. Too bad it was such a boringly lopsided game.

Congrats to the UConn Lady Huskies! (Not Husky Ladies. That's a whole different group of women.) They were who we would have thought they were, had we ever thought of them before, which we didn't. But they played stellar basketball all year and sewed up their national championship with some impressive stats: a perfect 39-0 season, three All-Americans (Maya Moore, Renee Montgomery, and Tina Charles), the Player of the Year (Maya Moore), and the Coach of the Year (Geno Auriemma). And all of this dominance on the court is summed up by their winning margin stats. They won every single game with at least a ten point margin, the average margin being 33.6, and the highest margin being 66 points. Pret-ty good. One question, though. Why does Geno Auriemma hate Tina Charles so much?

You go, girls! Hug it out!

Congrats to the Orioles! Of all the Opening Day/days after Opening Day games I watched, this one was by far the most pleasurable because the Orioles hammered the Yankees 10-5, and looked really good doing it. Equally as pleasurable? Watching the Yankees' brand new $161 million dollar pitcher, CC Sabathia, fail miserably. He did not have a fast ball, he struck out zero batters, threw two wild pitches, and after less than five innings and six runs given up, he and his wind-flapped jodhpurs were sent to the showers. He apparently has slow Aprils, and I don't wish him ill will personally, but I would love for the Yankees to have to eat that rather sizable, salary cap-less chunk of change.

Congrats to Sean Miller! The Xavier Musketeers basketball coach is officially moving across the country to Tuscon. Abandoning his contract that would have taken him through the 2012-13 season, Miller has opted for the "opportunity" (read: money) of Arizona. Yeah, it makes total sense that a coach can move around to any school, for any season, as long as they get the opportunity (read: money) they want. And all this regardless of their commitment they already made to the university they are at and the students that they've recruited to play for them at that university. It also makes total sense that any student who wishes to improve their own opportunities (read: opportunities) cannot transfer universities without sitting out a year. Total sense.

Congrats to ESPN! They have moved SportsCenter out west, apparently to get rid of the so-called East Coast Bias and talk more about west-centric sporting events. I...didn't have a problem with the original broadcast. And now I sort of resent the fact that I have to watch a separate one with different hosts. I think that's even more alienating than some supposed bias, but it is too late to stop that train. I just hope that this doesn't mean that just because SportsCenter is in LA, we have to suffer through Hollywood infiltrating yet another area of our lives, publicizing their latest projects and giving their unsolicited opinions. I do like the new graphics, though.

Congrats to Stephen A. Smith! I already disagree with pretty much everything that comes out of his mouth, and he has recently said something that has taken my disdain for sports media hyperbole to new and soaring heights. On ESPN, Smith said that the other golfers shouldn't admire Tiger Woods, "they should worship him." Stephen, just because you think Tiger is a demigod, or possibly a even full-fledged deity of some sort, does not mean that he actually is. He's not. He's just a dude who is good at golf, which in the grand scheme of the history of sports is enjoyable and impressive, and in the history of the world is sort of a big who cares. So everyone in the media, please calibrate your attitudes accordingly.

Pictured here: Tiger Woods (looking as white as his forehead) sits at the Champions dinner at the Masters on Tuesday night. At his feet: Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer worshiping this demigod/full-fledged deity.

Hope Springs Eternal

2009-04-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

We have got a lot on our proverbial plate, and I'm not talking about that giant, tasty looking hamburger from my last post. April, and in fact all of spring, is going to be filled with a lot of sporting events so get the comfy spot on your couch ready.

You got your NCAA championships (both men's and women's), your NBA Playoffs, you got your Masters, you got your World Cup Qualifiers, your UEFA Champions League quarterfinals, your tennis tourney, and of course you got the start of your baseball season. That's a lot of sports to watch, and here is a preview of them all.

NCAA Championship

March Madness is still in full swing, even though the week-long break in the action and Calipari's big move to the Commonwealth has sort of made us forget all about it. This weekend is the Final Four, and since I still have money on the line, I'm rooting my little heart out for UConn despite making a disparaging statement about them in another post. I think they are looking very good to go the distance, and Hasheem Thabeet is particularly amazing to me. It truly astounds me that a person who is 7' 3" can move so athletically.

NCAA Final Four, Saturday April 4th, 6pm & 8:45pm, CBS.

Only one inch taller than Thabeet, but so much funnier. I never understood, though, why he went with the one strapped onesie. I wouldn't mind if the NCAA men all went with this look.

Did you know that there was another tournament going on? It's called the NIT, and Penn State will play Baylor in the final this Thursday. I think it goes without saying that I will be rooting for Penn State because they are in the Big Ten, but I went ahead and said it anyway.

NIT Final, Thursday April 2nd, 7pm, ESPN.

Let's check in on the ladies, shall we? I don't follow women's basketball at all, but I like to tune in right about now with the Final Four. Especially since things have been made a tad more interesting by Oklahoma's four-time All American, Courtney Paris, who last month had promised that if the Sooners do not win a national championship she would pay the school back all of her scholarship money. And now she had led her team to the Final Four, with a chance to get to the Final to meet the undefeated UConn Huskies. Strangely compelling.

NCAAW Final Four, Sunday April 5th, 7pm & 9pm, ESPN.

NBA Playoffs

The Playoffs are only a few weeks away and not only do we get to watch their awesome commercials, but we already know a few teams that are guaranteed to be there. In the east, the Cleveland Cavs lead the way (actually, they're leading the whole league right now), and joining them are the Boston Celtics, the Orlando Magic, and the Atlanta Hawks. In the west the LA Lakers, Houston Rockets, Denver Nuggets, and San Antonio Spurs have locked up their spots. I'm picking it right now - LeBron brings the trophy to Ohio.

The NBA Playoffs begin Saturday April 18th.

The Masters

With Tiger's big comeback this past weekend at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, his odds for winning the Masters has jumped up to 2-1. The field is 5-2, and the next player, MMP, is 10-1. That's just silly. He had a good showing this weekend, but Sean O'Hair was three over par on Sunday, so whatever. As always, I will be rooting for MMP, but I will also be rooting for Padraig Harrington, who has won the last two majors and is gunning for what people are calling "The Paddy Slam." I'm not sure which people specifically, but I'm hoping he gets it. I like his philosophy of golf, which is to ignore everyone else, avoid the leader boards, and just play each stroke, each hole, and try to get the lowest score you can. It reminds me of this video game I like to play. If you ignore everyone else and just concentrate on what you are doing, you win. It's a little different when you are playing real people and not a computer program designed to do what I just described, but in the end you aren't playing real people anyway - you're playing the course. So just ignore what everyone else is doing and go Irish.

The Masters, April 8-12, ESPN (early rounds) and CBS (Saturday & Sunday).

Soccer

A couple things going on in the world of soccer. It is time again for World Cup qualifying and international friendlies to prepare for next year's big event. This week the US men faced both El Salvador and Trinidad & Tobago, with vastly differing quality of play. To put it plainly, they sort of sucked against El Salvador and ended up with a tie, which is generally bad because they should have won but good because they were playing so poorly. The game against T&T, albeit an inferior team to El Salvador, was much, much better with effective and creative passing and, of course, goal scoring, which is sort of a necessity to win any given game. Jozy Altidore was awesome, scoring a hat trick for the US. (The nineteen-year-old is owned by Spanish premiere team Villareal and the highest paid US player in the world.) The US has some big upcoming games as they meat up with Honduras, world heavy weights No. 4 Italy and No. 5 Brazil, Egypt, and Mexico.

Jozy's amazing hat trick! See him pull this rabbit out of his hat with only minimal rabbit droppings!

Also happening this month are the quarterfinals of the UEFA Champions League. My team Chelsea is still in the mix, and will be taking on English Premiere rival Liverpool in a repeat of last year's semifinal match-up. There are two other English teams as well, with Arsenal playing Villareal and America's team Manchester United going head-to-head with Porto. The final two teams rounding out the group are Barcelona and Bayern. It is also certainly very possible that Chelsea and Man U have a repeat of last year's final, only hopefully with a different result. (Pretty, pretty please.)

UEFA Champions quarterfinals, April 7th & 8th and April 14th & 15th, ESPN.

Tennis

Oh, and there's tennis, too. Not a huge tournament, but the Sony Ericsson Open is going on right now in Miami, and the Williams sisters will meet up once again in the semifinals. They have dominated this tournament, winning eight of the last eleven. The other women's semifinal is Kuznetsova vs. Azerenka and God bless me! On the men's side, Nadal will be going up against Del Porto, and Djokivic will face Verdasco. I'm hoping for an all-Spanish, all-cute men's final.

You'll have to check your local listings for this one. But I believe it is only being broadcast on the Tennis Channel, so good luck.

Baseball

And last but certainly not least, we have the beginning of the MLB season just a few days away. Based on essentially nothing, here are my predictions for the season. The National League championship will be Mets vs. Dodgers, and the American League will have the Angels vs. the Red Sox. I am hoping, however, with every fiber of my being, that the Cincinnati Redlegs rock the league this year. They haven't had a particularly rip-roaring spring training, but they are a very promising young team and they have the possibility to be 2009's Tampa Bay Rays, which is to say they can be a one hit wonder and then disappear back into baseball obscurity. Let's make the most of it, Cincy. Actually, I'd even settle for a .500 season, as we have not had one in nine years.

Opening day, Atlanta vs. Philadelphia, Sunday April 5th, 8pm, EPSN2. Everyone else opens starting Monday April 6th at 1:10pm, with the Mets against my Reds, ESPN.

I will take a page out of Courtney Paris's book and promise this. For every grand slam that a Cincinnati Red hits, I will eat a Denny's Grand Slam. Not quite as impressive as writing a giant check to a university, but I can only do what I can do.

In For A Penny, In For A Pound

2009-03-27T12:10:00.000-07:00

It is not often that we, as Americans, can combine two of our greatest loves in one sitting: watching sports and getting giantly fat. But now we can, thanks to the minor league team of the West Michigan Whitecaps and their 4,800-calorie burger.

The burger in question.

It is four pounds. That's like eating a puppy or a MacBook or $545,000 worth of heroin. Its contents are thus: five patties, five slices of cheese, about a cup of chili, plenty of salsa and corn chips, lettuce, and tomato, and goodness knows what else, all on an eight-inch sesame seed bun. Part of me is totally grossed out by the concept, and the part right in the middle of me is growling because I'm hungry.

To further encourage and perpetuate the obesity and idiocy of Americans, the Whitecaps have sweetened the deal by adding yet another prize on top of this already heaping mound of flesh and bread. Should you eat this $20 monster in one sitting without needing to be rushed to the emergency room, you get a T-shirt, too. I will go ahead and assume that they start in a size XL.

Ball Parks

2009-03-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

One of the few perks of living in a big city is that important things happen therein. And when these things of import happen, they are easily accessible by important people such as myself. So on Monday night I was able to attend the finals of the World Baseball Classic. A few fascinating facts from this grand ole night:

It is evidently shameful for Koreans to expose their ears in a photograph, as evidenced by their entire team's scoreboard pictures.

There are only five Korean families in the entire world. They are as follows: the Lee family, the Kim family, the Park family, the Chung family, and the Kang family. In the lineup last night, there were three and sometimes four Lees (there are eight in total on the team), two Kims, and two Parks. It seems like it would be confusing to have so many duplicates in such a small square foot area, but they seem to make it work.

As you can see, our seats were pretty darn good. From here we could clearly see this Lee or Kim or Park at bat.

I don't know many Asian players by name, but the two I can name - Ichiro Suzuki and Yu Darvish (I can also name Dice-K, but he didn't play in the final) - showed exactly why I can name them by being totally clutch towards the end of the game. Incidentally, that Yu Darvish - who's father is Iranian and mother is Japanese - is one lovely, tall drink of water and a man who knows how to wear a baseball trouser. Also, he plays for the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters, and I don't know much about the Japanese culture, but I would never have imagined that fighting ham was so big over there.

Here Ichiro is hitting his two-run single at the top of the 10th. You can see the ball has just left his bat and his heading to the wall in right field. Here it is from a more professional angle, but essentially the same moment in time.

Dodger Stadium sucks. Actually there's a great view from pretty much any seat in the house, but the parking is terrible, the Dodger dogs are...just average, and the staff is ill-equipped for an international celebration. On the scoreboard they kept relating everything to themselves, like about how the Dodger's have had a relationship with Japan since right after that bit where we interned them. They had a completely lazy and lackluster celebration planned, and their "gift" for the fan question of the night was rum.

There were more unused WBC towels than you could shake a clappy stick at, and you could very easily do that because there were tons of clappy sticks around. Half of them were blue and said Korea, and for some reason the other half were tan and said Puerto Rico. You did it, WBC!

I almost forgot the most important part...Japan won!

The celebration! Some of that confetti made it all the way up where I was sitting. I feel sorry for the clean up crew.

It was a great game. The whole thing was very close the entire time, there was a home run, there was smart and well executed strategy, and there were extra innings. The atmosphere was exciting with all the cheering and chanting and drumming and people dressed crazily. We were sitting in a pro-Korea area, although actually I'd say 80% of the fans in the entire stadium were pro-Korea, so that would have probably been true regardless of where I sat. I learned the cheer, "Taehan-min'guk," which sounds like, "Heeeeey, flamingo!" but means "Republic of South Korea!" Unimaginative, yet effective. But not effective enough to win the game.

You Got To Fight For Your Right To Party

2009-03-20T20:18:00.001-07:00

a-OOO-ga! a-OOO-ga! The Sideliner has officially reached it's 100th post! That's right. Exactly one hundred brilliant and insightful blurbs that speak to the common man.

Would you like to ride in my beautiful anniversary balloon?

Reflecting back, I have so many personalities to thank, virtually all of them named Abby. And as is the normal custom for any 100th anniversary, I am rewarding myself with a 530 carat diamond. I know where I can get one, too, but it will require wrestling it away from the tightly gripped, liver-spotted hands of Elizabeth II. She's got one on her "Sceptre with the Cross," and it can be popped out and worn as a broach which is totally how I'd wear it because if you know me at all you know that I am a sucker for incredibly gaudy yet surprisingly versatile jewelry. And I am not afraid to cat fight the Queen.

An obviously much younger H.M. Lillibet holding my anniversary present. It's that giant, glowing, white mass on the end of the shiny stick. As you can see, it is about the size of my fist or a rather sizable clump of Queen hair, the former having very much to do with procuring the latter.

On that note, I would like to say thanks for reading all of my silly claptrap over the past hunny posts, and I hope you stay around for the next hunny.

Note: It has not escaped my notice or care that I've not actually mentioned the word "sports" during this entire post. Except, of course, in that last sentence when I just said sports. And then again right there.

U2 Can Be Irish

2009-03-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I thought I'd celebrate the day by turning green and gaining so much muscle that my clothes rip off except for in strategic places, but it seems that bit has already been taken. Instead I've decided to do a stream of consciousness report revolving around Ireland, focusing on some of the other stuff that happened in sports this weekend besides Selection Sunday.

Incidentally, the term "stream of consciousness" is a (mostly) dead metaphor brought over from the world of psychology to the world of literature by one May Sinclair, who was not Irish but in fact a British woman who was very much into the concept of German Idealism, although frankly the words "German" and "Idealism" grouped together has never worked out well for the world. Anyway. Let's start with St. Patrick's Day. The Irish form of "Patrick" is "Padraig," the name of one of the premiere golfers in the world, Padraig Harrington. Plus, shillelaghs kind of look like a golf club, if golf clubs were actually wooden and made to beat leprechauns which they might be, I don't know. Right now, Mr. Harrington is ranked 106th in the FedEx Cup standings, which is only a few spots behind Tiger Woods. But he is over 1,000 points behind the leader, Geoff Ogilvy, who leads MMP by only 51 points. Because...this weekend MMP placed another feather in his 2009 season cap by winning the World Golf Championships, which sounds like a really huge event because of the words "world" and "championship," but isn't even a major.

He may not be Irish, but he does have that "Irish glow" about him if you catch my drift.

And Mickelson sounds like a vaguely Irish name, right? Well that surname is actually Swedish. And do you know who else is Swedish? You would never guess this guy in a million years, so I'll tell you: Jasper Felder. This guy is the king of a sport/event you've never heard of called Crashed Ice, which is kind of awesome and is basically a cross between hockey and downhill skiing. Now, Felder is coincidentally not a Swedish name, but instead a Polish one most commonly found in Switzerland...which is where a Red Bull Crashed Ice event took place on Saturday, and where seven time champ Jasper Felder topped the podium once more.

These guys (and gals) can get going up to 30mph. Yikes.

Speaking of seven, that's how many years the Irish potato famine lasted, and then Oscar Wilde was around and then Sinn Fein and then Lord of the Dance, except Michael Flatley is from Chicago. Now speaking of Chicago, Ted Lilly of the Cubs is starting tonight on the mound for USA against Puerto Rico. Things didn't go so well on Saturday night, which was the last time these two teams matched up. The USA lost to the self-governing unincorporated territory 11-1 after the mercy rule was invoked and the game was called. That's right, the mercy rule. The one from Little League that was invented essentially to protect small children from deep depression and emotional scarring.

Speaking of deeply emotionally scarred children and the Irish...

So there you have it. You might think from my ramblings that I have kissed the Blarney Stone, as it is traditionally believed that the kisser is endowed with the gift of gab, or gift o' gab as they say in Ireland. However, although I have kissed many stones in my life, I have never been to the Emerald Isle.

Slán go fóill! Bye for now!

A Method To My Madness

2009-03-16T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's that time of the year again! Time to start trying to determine which team will bust up your bracket and ruin your chances of winning your pool.

In case you don't have it, here's a bracket for you. If you click on it you can make it big and print it.

It should be a good tournament this year, and you never know who is going to win or pull an upset. However, when I am looking at the empty bracket and trying to decide who to go with, it seems that my brain cannot possibly fathom the possiblity of the top seeds losing. They are going to lose - very involved and deeply complicated statistics show that only one team wins each year. In fact, because of the one-and-done elimination, literally anyone could win. A team from a little school you've never heard of can advance IFF (if and only if) they can put one game together.

If you've stumbled upon this article and are looking for advice, then you have come to the right place. If you are a faithful reader of this blog, you know that the last sentence is a total lie. If you have absolutely zero knowledge of college basketball or sports in general, you could pick by "outfit" colors alone and easily whallop a statistics-loving bracket scientist. And that is why it is Madness.

ABBY'S PICK TIPS

1. BE A FAIR-WEATHER FAN. There are more seeded winners than there are upsets, so if you go with the best, you have a better chance of collecting more points later in the tournament. Those higher seeds are ranked higher for a reason. HOW I FOLLOW MY OWN RULES: This year I think (for reasons explained above, the chief of them being: stupidity) the top seeds are going to go far. I really like Louisville, and UNC just might accomplish what everyone in the world has expected them to do since the first day of the season. HOW I DON'T: The odds of all four No. 1 seeds making it to the Final Four are very, very low. This year I think Michigan State, Memphis, and Kansas all have a shot, but I like the real underdogs. I'm keeping an eye on Purdue and Syracuse to sneak thier way into the Final Four.

Pictured here: And X-ray of my head. As you can see, there is only a tree where my brain should be, so take my advice with a small handful of salt.

2. DON'T PICK AGAINST YOURSELF. If you have any loyalties, go ahead and stick with them. The connection to these teams can be very tenuous; it doesn't matter. It is just so much more fun to root for the teams you really like, as opposed to teams you must root for because they help your chances of winning. HOW I FOLLOW MY OWN RULES: I like to stick with the Big Ten and Big East teams, because those are my conferences. And I used to live in Pittsburgh, so if you combo those two things, I think I'll be rooting for Pitt. Yet for some unknown reason, I also like Louisville. Why? I should hate them! I don't. HOW I DON'T: Loyalties go only so far in terms of actual reality. For instance, I will probably not be rooting for U Conn in any game becaue I don't really like them (even though they are Big East). Seeing, however, as I am not completely braindead, I have them advancing in my bracket. It's give and take.

3. DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE. Except for me, of course. But don't bother listening to the ESPN crew or really anyone who actually knows what they are talking about, because in the end, they don't actually know what they are talking about. If you love the color baby blue, root for UCLA. If Austin is your favorite city, get behind those Longhorns. If you, like me, have an unfounded but very real dislike of Tennessee, you might find yourself insta-pals with Oklahoma State. If you like the name Radford because it has the word "rad" in it, you will be bitterly disappointed because they are going to lose in the first round. HOW I FOLLOW MY OWN RULES: I like to just fill out my bracket without thinking (just like I do all things) and before I've heard one single person say who they like. Especially those blabbing faces on TV. HOW I DON'T: Sometimes you have to pick with your head, and if your head is confused and partially non-functioning like mine, you need someone else's head. And why not have that head be crazy and bald and Dick Vitale's?

Well, I'm sure none of that was useful to you in anyway, but I wish you luck nonetheless. Godspeed.

A Hot Date

2009-03-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me! That's right, I'm attention pandering. Now, not many truly amazing things have happened on my birthday. As you and I both know, there's not much going on in the way of sports in early March. But here are some sports people and events that share a very special date in common with Yur Struly, a little known discoverer from the 18th century. And they also share this date with me.

ATHLETES BORN ON MARCH 9th:

1915 - Pete Gray, one-armed outfielder for the St Louis Browns. That seems difficult.
1922 - Herbert P Douglas Jr, Olympic long jumper who won the bronze in 1948.
1927 - Jackie Jensen, American League MVP in 1958. He was also the first athlete to play in both the Rose Bowl and the World Series.
1943 - Bobby Fischer, Chess Grandmaster and anti-Semite.

An athlete? According to Sports Illustrated! And I judge all things according to this maxim: W. W. S. I. D.?

1956 - Mark Dantonio, current coach of the Michigan State football team, and former coach at Cincinnati and Ohio State, so he's okay in my book.
1960 - Mike Leach American, coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders football team.
1963 - Terry Mulholland, journeyman pitcher who spend his longest stretch with the Phillies.
1963 - Sean Salisbury, former NFL and CFL quarterback. But you probably know him from his current job as an NFL analyst on ESPN.
1964 - Phil Housley, hockey player and the highest scoring American in history with 1,232 points.
1965 - Benito Santiago, MLB catcher who played for several teams, but at one time played for the Reds and I have his baseball card.
1969 - Mahmoud Abdul Rauf (aka Chris Jackson), former NBA guard who was able to play despite having Tourettes (yay!) but who hates America (boo!).
1973 - Aaron Boone, former MLB player and Red. Interesting factoid: Aaron was part of the only sets of brothers to start together in the infield. Joining him? Brother Bret, and Stephen and Barry Larken.
1977 - Radek Dvorak, hockey player currently on the Florida Panthers.
1981 - Antonio Bryant, wide reciever who just accepted a franchise tag from the Tampa Bay Bucs.
1983 - Clint Dempsey, US soccer player who players for Fulham, and actually my favorite US soccer player. Various Player of the Year awards, also US Soccer Althlete of the Year in 2007.

Looks like Mr. Dempsey has ignored my Sports Illustrated joke and has gone straight for the classic look.

1984 - Julia Mancuso, gold medalist in the giant slolam at the last Winter Olympics in 2006.

THIS DAY IN SPORTS HISTORY:

1895 - Two years into its existance, the Stanley Cup is won by the Montreal Victorias.
1908 - Inter Milan, the Italian soccer club, is founded.
1958 - George Yardley (Pistons) is the first in the NBA to score 2,000 points in season, a feat accomplished in just 71 games.
1979 - Bowie Kuhn orders baseball to give equal access to female reporters. Good for Mr. Kuhn!
1984 - The Philadelphia 76'ers block 20 Seattle shots, tying the NBA regulation game record.
1985 - Ladies Figure Skating Championship in Tokyo won by Katarina Witt. She was one of my favorites growing up, and my friend and I used to dance around her living room pretending to be skaters. The loser had to settle for Debi Thomas.

Toe pick, Debi!

1988 - Former NBA legends Lenny Wilkens and K. C. Jones are among three men inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame.
1994 - Philadelphia 1B John Kruk is diagnosed with testicular cancer. That's kind of a sad one, but its on the list for some reason. Also, it's okay because he's better now.
1995 - Baseball awards a franchise to Tampa Bay Devil Rays. And that's worked out for them pretty well. Getting to the World Series after only thirteen years in existance isn't too shabby.

A Whole New Ball Game

2009-03-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the re-launch of women's soccer! I know, I know. America hates soccer. And I don't judge you if you don't like the sport, but if you don't you are very stupid.

So Women's Professional Soccer (WPS) is a brand new league that is gathering the world's best to play right here in the States. It used to be called the WUSA, back when it was founded in 2000. Unfortunately, it did not receive the attention or sponsorship it needed and was forced to suspend operations in 2003. But they are back having reinvented themselves; they have a new name and new sponsorship deals, Puma headlining that short list.

Recognize that silhouette? That's Mia Hamm, your favorite and mine. I got to see her very last game she ever played before she retired, along with Julie Foudy and Joy Fawcett. I own her jersey. I am a fan.

I love soccer. And I love the idea that soccer stars from all over the world are coming to play here, and I don't mean "stars" like the MLS is getting. I mean the top players in the world, like Marta of Brazil, who has been awarded FIFA Women's World Player of the Year three years running. International stars playing an international sport. However.

I'm not so positive about the future success of the league. Let me give you the top five reasons why I am worried for the WPS before we even get to see its very first kick-off.

1. Visibility. All but two of the games are going to be covered by FOX Soccer Channel. "Oh! I didn't know that existed," you say. Exactly, I respond. How are you going to increase interest in the sport by hiding it on a channel that only soccer fans watch? You already have these people. You had them at hello. Who are these people? I give you Number Two.

2. Viewership. Women's professional sports already has a niche market - let's do the math together, shall we? Let's cut out 50% of all Americans right off the bat, because men, by and large, do not enjoy watching women play sports. Because men are egotistical jerks. Okay, and then out of women, not very many enjoy watching sports, period. Because women are boring idiots. So we are left with maybe 2% of the total population who are into women's sports, and that group is generally split into two categories: middle-aged lesbians and young girls who are currently playing the sport. So as you can see, these numbers don't exactly blow you away. Which brings us to Number Three.

3. Scheduling. Why is this only playing on the soccer channel? I mean, besides its extremely small appeal? Because the sports media refuses to highlight women's sports, and that's a fact. And I get that for reasons stated above, but I really think that actual, live, currently occurring sports would draw more of a TV audience than reruns of a poker tournament from five years ago. I have to believe that. Now the main networks often highlight non-mainstream sports on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. These may not be major sports, but the have a chance of being watched. So if you know these things about the media, why then would you schedule your games on Sunday nights, the biggest sports night in America all year round, where it will toil in even more obscurity? Moving on to Number Four.

4. Cost. Let's pretend that you've gotten past the first couple of hurdles: You have Fox Soccer Channel, and you are interested in soccer, and you are available on Sunday nights to watch it. You are more than available, you are a middle-aged lesbian or a young girl or me who lives in one of seven cities that have a women's soccer team and you actually want to go to a game! Well, I hope you have three Sundays available, because you have to buy your tickets in a group of three. It helps ticket sales and gets people in the seats and yadda yadda, but I don't want to commit a month's worth of weekends. I just want to go to a game once in a while. And I want to choose which one. My time and weak dollars are precious, friends. But one more thing...

5. Web Content. This one irks me the most. It is not a good sign when your home page's poll is a vote on which uniform looks the best. I will grant them the fact that the league hasn't actually started so maybe the news is slow, and girls care about clothes or whatever, but I refuse to believe that there isn't one soccer related question, that there isn't anything else to highlight. The league even revealed the uniforms in Seventeen Magazine. This just makes me sigh my head off. If you want to be taken seriously, you cannot allow yourself to be reduced to a stereotype of the lowest common denominator. You cannot become the silly prancing girls that everyone already thinks you are, but you are not. You want to be taken seriously as a league, as athletes, as role models to little girls? You want to fight against sexism in sports and let people know that female sports are equally as important and valuable as the men's? By all means, talk about your pretty shorts.

That said, I really, really, really hope that this thing goes well. I would really enjoy it, and I know that little girls all over America admire them. Soccer is the most popular sport played by the youth of America. It would be very awesome if the WPS could succeed and show these girls that they can do anything.

If you are curious or at all interested, or if you know of any little girls looking for worthy heroes, help support women's soccer. The first game is Sunday March 29th at 6pm ET. Check your local listings throughout the season, or even better, go to a game. Please prove me wrong.

Second World War

2009-03-04T05:00:00.000-08:00

It's time for baseball to begin! No, don't get your mitt out yet. It's still winter around these parts (and by these parts I mean the whole of the East Coast/Midwest, because it feels like lovely, lovely summer around my specific part). Major League Baseball still has another month in which to de-juice/juice up it's players, whatever the case may be.

I see that the WBC has not heeded my advice about how truly ugly their logo is. Visually, it is so clumsy and pointy and unwieldy. Please fix this before '13, WBC.

But if you're craving America's past time, why not watch the rest of the world play it? The second ever World Baseball Classic begins on Thursday March 5 with a match-up between China and reigning world champ, Japan, and of course takes a month because that's how baseball rocks it: slower than molasses. The WBC is essentially like the Little League World Series, only with big people, or if that doesn't do anything for you, like the Olympics, only with even bigger people that you sort of care about.

The US has a pretty good roster including, but not limited to: my former classmate Kevin Youkilis, Ryan Dunn, Dustin Pedroia, Derek Jeter, Chipper Jones, and Jake Peavy to name just a few. Of course, other teams have a few big names sprinkled amongst the rest of their rosters, too. Names like Ichiro, Ortiz, and A-Rod.

Our boys (assuming you are an American and not some sort of commie) are in Pool C, going up against such classic baseball powerhouses as Italy, Canada, and Venezuela. So, assuming the US wins their pool or is the runner-up, they would meet either the Dominican Republic (yes), the Kingdom of Netherlands (nope, and also: they're a kingdom? Huh.), Panama (probably not), and Puerto Rico (possibly).

Next comes a double elimination round, and then the single elimination semi-finals, and then the finals. It's all very complicated. Pool A includes China, Japan, Chinese Taipei which China refuses to allow to be called Taiwan but, like, they are actually officially known as Republic of China which China of course hates because it sounds like there are two Chinas but Taiwan sounds like they aren't a part of China so they make the world call them Chinese Taipei and we actually do, and Korea. Pool B includes South Africa, Cuba, Australia, and Mexico, which are much less complicated countries, if only in the name arena.

It sounds to me like they're setting it up to be a Japan vs. Cuba semifinal 1 and a USA vs. DR semifinal 2, with Japan and the US meeting in the finals. I do believe that would be their wish. But wishes are meant to be broken...or is that promises? Anyway, the good ol' US of A gets our end of things kicked off on Saturday March 7 at 2pm ET against our great, white Northern friends, Canada, eh. That one will be on ESPN, but pretty much every other game will be split between ESPN2 and MLB Network.

Back to Square, Won

2009-03-02T23:50:00.000-08:00

I was just flipping through the channels, looking for something fun to watch, and I happened upon an obscure little something called "sudden death tennis." Is it awesome? Yes, it is.

HBO was showing the BNP Paribas Showdown for the Billy Jean King Cup, which is a bit of a mouthful, and BJK is a big clue to the fact that it was obviously only for players of the female persuasion. Here's how it worked. There were two semifinals that were only one set long. Then the winners of each semifinal played a three set final, and it all happened in a single night. Oh, and it happened at Madison Square Garden (the first time since 2000) which makes it even more fun, because tennis! Indoors!

They got a pretty good lineup, too - Venus and Serena Williams, No. 3 Jelena Jancovic, and No. 7 Ana Ivanovic. I don't imagine it was too hard to convince them to attend, seeing as they were guaranteed $250,000 for merely showing up, and then $300,000 to the runner-up and $400,000 to the champ. Plus, the Williams's expressed gratitude for being involved in the history of the event. Serena was actually one of the people who got this wheels of this event rolling, so to speak, and there was a presentation to BJK before the final. Tennis at Madison Square Garden used to be a regular thing when it was called the Virginia Slims Championship; Steffi Graff won it five times and Navratilova won it eight times. Both of their...names? are retired at the Garden.

Mmm! There's nothing better than a nice, long, tobacco-y drag on your Slim after a hard day's work on the tennis courts.

The event was hosted by BJK, as well as Johnny Mac and his winning mixed doubles partner from 1977, Mary Carillo. I don't have a nickname for her. And I don't understand something. Why don't BJK and Martina Navratilova ever call tennis matches? Billy Jean is funny, and if tonight's event was any indication, she has a wide variety of brightly colored blazers which would look smart on any network's broadcast.

Anyway, any guesses as to the winner? How about a battle of the Serbs with "Screamin' Jelena" Jancovic emerging as the victor? You guessed wrong. It was an all Williams final and Serena won. Surprise! But still a really fun Monday night random TV find.

To the victor goes the spoils: a weird cup made of either tempered safety glass or polymethyl 2-methylpropenoate, and half a million dollars. Not bad for a few hours of work, and she didn't even have to shill butts. (...I mean cigarettes. She's obviously always shilling her own butt.)

We Must Protect This Poorhouse!

2009-02-26T17:00:00.000-08:00

It's not all fun in games for sports right now. Out of the the NBA and NFL comes big news about how both leagues are struggling during this economic crisis. I am not an economist, so I don't know when crisis turns to recession and recession turns to depression.

Is America in a depression? Let's check the symptoms...Loss of interest in daily activities? Yes. People are so lazy these days. Appetite or weight changes? The evidence of our growth in girth is found in phrases such as "overweight airline tickets" and " we are sinking the Small World boats." Agitated? I've run into some pretty impatient, rude people lately. Self-Loathing? Um, there is where I think America and depression parts ways. The US has what some would consider a more than healthy self-image.

America the Sorrowful: This picture displays both of the two universal signs for depression - being curled up into a ball and burying your head in your hands.

Anyway, these economic woes aren't just yours and mine but mostly yours. Now the crisis has trickled its way down to the fields (pun indended jut a little bit) of sports and entertainment, and, of course, sports-entertainment.

The NBA has just announced its plans to borrow $175 million to help 15 of their teams who are struggling despite staff cuts and reduced ticket prices. One of these teams is not the L.A. Lakers, who literally could charge whatever insane amount they could think up in their crazy little minds with their money sign eyes and people would gladly pay it. Because there is no such thing as a recession in a city that is run on $8 cups of coffee and where someone like acting dynamo Jessica Alba makes $9 million.

Then comes news from the NFL that Roger Goodell is going the way of GE's Jeffrey Immelt and taking a substantial (20%) pay cut. Of course, what can you get for $11 mill that you can't for 9, but it's a nice gesture. The NFL and all its teams have also had to reduce staff considerably. And to top it all off, we arrive at today's headline, which is player free-agency. I've already ranted about the whole salary cap demand thing and so I will not repeat myself on that account. But some of these free agents might be in for a rude awakening. Teams might have room in their salary cap, but it seems that they might not be willing to part with that cushion, even for names such as Albert Haynesworth, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, and Ray Lewis.

And these players really have no place to negotiate from. Look at Manny Ramirez. Look at his stats. Okay, now look back here. Since coming to the Dodgers in the trade with Boston on July 31st of last year, he batted .396, with 17 home runs, 53 RBIs, and 36 runs scored. In the postseason, he upped his game, with a .520 batting average, 4 homers, 10 RBIs, and 9 runs scored in just eight games. If anyone can help your team, it's this guy. But he can't get a contract, because he and his agent don't understand that no one has any money right now.

I have avoided all this business with the weak dollar by exchanging my entire fortune into Deutschmarks.

I'm bummed for all those who have lost their jobs due to the recession. But there is a rather large, evil part of me that enjoys watching these players begin to catch a glimpse of the reality the rest of us have to face everyday. And I hope, probably in vain, that they realize their extreme good fortune and the irony of being paid millions upon millions of dollars to throw and catch a ball.

Strike While The Iron Is Hot

2009-02-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

Yay! The first win of the year for MMP! He was able to sneak one in before the second coming of Tiger. And boy, did he win it by the skin of his teeth.

Going into the last round in Northern Trust at Riviera (right around the corner from me), Phil had a nice four stroke lead. But then MMP's play was kind of rough, and it looked like he was going to have a mini-meltdown. With only three holes left to go, Mickelson was down two strokes to Steve Stricker.

Then, somehow, in classic Phil Phashion™ he came back, putting together a string of birdies to win the tournament for the second year in a row and probably quite severely disappointing Mr. Stricker.

Oh, how I love MMP, and oh, how I love the excitement of golf without Tiger. I realize that I am the only living human who feels as such, but I've enjoyed his short lived absence. I hope you didn't fall in love with any of the other guys on the tour, because you will never hear of them again. It was fun while it lasted...

Tiger: Angrily swimming to a golf course near you!

Round The Bend

2009-02-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

I haven't written much on my blog as of late, and it has been because I have been ill, and I don't mean "ill" as in cool (although I am that, too). I have been battling actual illness. Anyway, I can add a new event to my list of sporting adventures (the second this week!), as I was able to catch a stage of the Tour of California up in the Angeles National Forest north of Pasadena. I don't normally follow cycling that closely although I have blogged on it before, many, many moons ago.

Some of the things I observed and learned...

-Those guys are really moving. Following the lead of my friend, we took in the event from the last climb before reaching the summit right on a big bend in the road. That way the racers were moving "slower" as they passed instead of speeding by at 50 mph on the way down. Good call.

My kind of speed.

-Lance Armstrong sighting! I got to see him in action, which is pretty historic. Live strong, my friend, and make a bajillion dollars doing it.

That's Lance in the yellow jersey vest thing. I don't know the lingo.

-A very certain breed of people enjoy cycling and attend a race. Of course, a certain breed of people enjoy every sport, but these are fringe people. It's just not that popular of a sport in the US. So there were two kinds of people in attendance today. Normal, dare I say sophisticated, folks and then...idiots. In the first category I would place the many amateur bikers that were there to watch and also myself. There was even a group that was eating wine and cheese at a beautifully appointed table. In the other category, an idiot with a tiger costume and another wearing a cape.

This was my favorite idiot, running in his boxer briefs with the words "I'm still postal 4 Lance" on his chest. I have pictures of the others, but I refuse to give any of them face time.

-Three things I've learned that you should definitely bring with you to a stage of a tour:
1. Chalk and/or cowbell. What are you there for if not to cheer the racers on?
2. Something to munch on. You cannot rely on jelly beans falling out of the sky, even though that's what happened when I was there.
3. Chairs of any kind.

My contribution to the encouragement of the riders. Luckily, Lance Armstrong's Livestrong crew came by ahead of the cyclists with yellow chalk so that we could get in on the fun. (Someone else came along later with cowbells.) I decided to use my chalk to go ahead and state the obvious.

-We ended up sitting right across from a young woman who was with a middle aged couple. After one glance their way, I commented to my friend that, for no discernible reason, I felt like the young woman was either the girlfriend or wife of one of the racers, and the middle aged couple were his parents. Over the next several hours many tiny clues were followed by many rather obvious clues, and as it turns out she's dating the racer Steven Cozza. How did I know that this was the situation with one look? How could I possibly have known? I honestly cannot tell you, but I am legitimately impressed with myself. I'm chalking it up to women's intuition.

Top: The girl in question. Bottom: The answer (far right in blue and orange).

Well, it was really fun. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, even though it only takes about 30 seconds to get from before to after. Bye, guys! Good luck on the last stage!

Sugar And Spice And Everything Ice

2009-02-16T23:52:00.000-08:00

So if you've been paying attention, you probably are already aware that I know very little about hockey. Well, I just attended my first professional game, and I must admit I didn't learn anything about the sport. However, it turns out that a complete and utter lack of knowledge or understanding about hockey does not effect one's enjoyment in any way, shape, or form. It was so much fun!

Of course, it did not hurt that we had VIP premiere seating. It never does.

I had heard that hockey is one of those sports that you must see LIVE! to really appreciate, and I think that just might be true. It is so much easier to follow the puck, and you get a much better sense of how fast and frenetic the game is. When they showed replays and highlights on the scoreboard, I was instantly bored.

This game was the perfect beginner's game, because it had it all - it was high scoring (6-6), it went into overtime, then a shootout, and then eventually a sudden death shootout. The LA Kings unfortunately lost to the Atlanta Thrashers, but honestly? They deserved to lose. They played fairly awful for most of the game against the second worst team in the league, and only a goal on a power play with five seconds left on the clock got them into overtime. (Which, by the way, was super exciting!)

A little side note that may be of interest to those who enjoy eating. In the VIP seats, and perhaps everywhere, I don't know, they have little menus, and then a waitress comes around and gets your order with a little electronic device. And then someone brings it to you. It is a dream.

Here's a little photo tour of the evening...

The pre-game activities: How colorful! It's a shame these pictures are so small, because they all look so much better big on my gorgeous, brand new computer.

How awesome are VIP seats? Awesome enough that this is the view - nice and close, almost center ice.

Action shot!

Hmmm. Notice that the Kings were already facing quite a deficit after the first few minutes of the first period. By the way, just in case you think false modesty coming to play about my knowledge of hockey, I will admit to you that I did not know there were three periods.

Fight! Fight! Fight! We saw a couple minor skirmishes and one real scuffle. It is very odd to see two athletes punching each other in the face while a referee watches. Very much the opposite of every other sport that exists.

This is the hockey version of the racing baseball heads, only no one really wins. These sundry mascots also had a dance off, from which I have spared you.

The shootout...that we lost. That's okay, though. If you get the chance, check out a hockey game. It's a really fun night.

Another One Bites The Dust

2009-02-11T00:30:00.000-08:00

The A-Rod dust has somewhat settled, and I feel like now is as good a time as any to comment. I have already made my opinion on the use of steroids in baseball abundantly clear so I will spare you that diatribe. Instead, here are the five things I think about A-Rod's interview/apology and his latest fall from grace.

1. Apologies go a long way. Luckily for A-Rod, there have been a good amount of examples of what to do and what not to do if you find yourself with an unsightly steroid embarrassment on your giant, muscly hands. There's Andy Petitte, who admitted that he did steroids and apologized. Where is he? Pitching for the Yankees. Then there is Clemens and Bonds, who denied, denied, denied and as it turns out, in doing so perjured themselves. Where are they? Well, right now they are embroiled in rather ugly legal entanglements. They certainly will never be in the Hall of Fame. A-Rod has wisely chosen to go with the Petitte method of admitting limited liability and expressing some sort of remorse.

A-Rod in his ESPN interview. One thing we know - he did not get acting tips from Madonna. Actually, she should probably get tips from him for her next project.

2. Unlike Petitte, however, A-Rod never once actually admitted to using steroids. He never even used the word steroids in any of his answers, just phrases like "substance I was guilty of using" and "things that today are not legal."

3. A-Rod seemed sincere and likable in most of his interview, but not completely believable. He said that he was never told that he tested positive in 2003 for two kinds of steroids until a week ago when the article in Sports Illustrated was published. And this despite the fact that the Mitchell Report (released in late 2007) stated that the player's union notified those who tested positive by September of 2004. A-Rod also said that he had an epiphany in spring training of 2003 to stop taking steroids. But he also said he took steroids through 2003, and in fact it was this 2003 test that has gotten him in all this trouble to begin with. Lying goes both ways. Partial truths lend credibility to your story, but if you're lying about one thing, who says you aren't lying about many things or everything?

4. Okay, so far Alex Rodriguez is very sorry for (getting caught) using some "substance" that "today is not legal" for some indiscriminate amount of time. But who is really to blame? Several times during the interview Alex hemmed and hawed and almost pinned it on MLB, but calculatedly restrained himself. He left the giant and very obvious blanks for the viewer to fill in, but he never said it out loud. Alex, Major League Baseball made have made it easy for you to take steroids by not banning it and possibly by turning a blind eye in exchange for the Sosa-McGwire home run chase in 1998 that "saved baseball." But MLB did not buy steroids for you and Bud Selig did not inject them into your bottom. It is solely your responsibility, my friend.

5. You know who I feel really sorry for? The Rangers and their owner, Tom Hicks. He paid an unprecedented $150 million for three years to a guy who was doping the entire time (and only that time if he is to be believed, which makes it even worse for the Rangers) and lied about it to his face. He told Hicks that he "cared to much about [his] body" to use. And to add insult to injury, it got the team absolutely nowhere - the Rangers came in last place all three years Rodriguez was there.

A-Rod: I'm smiling because I'm about to pull off the biggest swindle in baseball history!

BONUS THING I THINK! You know what's weird about A-Rod's stats? If he is telling the truth and he was using performance-enhancing drugs from 2001-2003 only, I'm not sure how performance-enhancing they actually were. His stats are pretty much the same from 1996-2008. So either the steroids bought him nothing, or he's not being completely honest about those dates...

Only time will tell what happens to Rodriguez's legacy. My guess is that people think his apology is acceptable at best and go back to hating him for all the regular reasons they hate him. But I don't think he makes it into the Hall of Fame because I just cannot imagine a scenario where someone who admits to using "guilt-causing substances" gets voted in. The infamous steroid users that have made the news in the last few years have cast a shadow over all other players, whether they are innocent or not or not, and leave everyone forever wondering who, exactly, is dirty? A-Rod's admission to three performance-enhanced years shadows his entire career, leaving everyone wondering about which years, if any, were truly clean.

Surf's Up

2009-02-09T20:54:00.000-08:00

I like NFL football as much as the next guy (unless that guy is Bill Belichick). But there is one thing that I find especially enjoyable about the gap between the Superbowl and March Madness: the variety. Networks are actually forced to show more than one sport. Here is what I was able to watch when the airwaves weren't jammed up with spectacular tackles and end zone celebrations. I may not have watched all of these events in their entireties on my channel surfing journey, but I did watch a good portion.

The Buick Invitational golf tourney at Torrey Pines, Saturday and Sunday. Congrats to Nick Watney for the win. Non-congrats to the team of broadcasters for their coverage. I know it is so difficult when Tiger isn't there to deify, but try filling the time with things other than old footage of Tiger and random ADD obsessions such as hand gliders and half built buildings in the extreme background. And congrats to Tiger, despite what I just said, on the birth of his son, Charlie.

You're telling me that there is nothing else besides this that you find remotely intersting? Not any of the 70 golfers actually playing golf?

Women's Fed Cup Tennis, USA vs. Argentina. Singles on Saturday, doubles on Sunday. I can't say that these were the most exciting matches ever, and I was not familiar with any of the athletes, but neither of those things were a requirement for my viewership.

San Antonio Spurs vs. Boston Celtics. And yay! The Celtics lose!

Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Los Angeles Lakers. And boo! The Lakers win!

World Cup Skiing championship. I love to watch skiing, even though the outcome is always the same - an Austrian wins and Bode Miller crashes. I wish that they would show a wider shot of the mountain, though, to see just how crazy and steep the mountain is and just how fast they are going down the side of it. But they didn't ask me.

World Series of Poker: Europe. Do I consider poker to be a sport like ESPN apparently does? For the purposes of this list I sure do.

Le Tour de France special on Discovery. Two amateur bikers tried their hand at tackling some very, very steep French mountain. The incline was 13 degrees, and for a comparison just try that angle the next time you're on a treadmill.

Speaking of treadmills, this thing is called the Treadmill Bike. The ad asks, "Why be cooped up in a gym when you use your treadmill outdoors?" Why don't you just run on the ground if you're going to run outside?

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Detroit Redwings, NHL Game of the Week. I don't know much about hockey, but they sure did bat that puck around for a while.

Davidson vs. College of Charleston, men's college basketball. Stephan Curry is awesome, and yet they lost the game and also their conference win streak of 48 in a row.

PBR bull riding. My family went to a rodeo one time when I was a kid, and my parents assured us, "No one gets hurt at a rodeo." Or some guy will be very seriously injured right in front of your innocent child face.

NFL Pro Bowl. Sort of boring, actually. But Hawaii looks pretty.

Funny Car NHRA Drag Racing. Funny cars aren't so much funny as insane. They go over 300 mph, and the race distance is only 1000 ft, so it takes them approximately four seconds to get across the finish line.

This car has gone from funny to hilarious.

That's eleven different-ish sporting events. Plus, I also had time to go to the batting cages and do a little "sportsing" of my own. It turns out that watching all those items on my television is a lot less painful to my muscles.

Chronic Pains

2009-02-06T00:20:00.000-08:00

I feel compelled to address the Michael Phelps weed issue. As you probably know, Michael Phelps was caught red-handed inhaling from a bong. When the picture was first published, Phelps went with the old Bill Clinton "I tried marijuana once; I did not inhale" approach to excuse giving. Apparently just getting the pot, inserting it into a pipe and/or bong, lighting it, and putting said pipe and/or bong to your waiting lips is enough of the experience. No need to actually inhale the smoke billowing towards your face.

He's not smoking, he's just kissing a see-through pipe! Everyone does it.

Unlike our 42nd president who stuck with that rather obvious lie, Michael Phelps quickly reneged. He has since apologized, and after an initial wave of support from various swimming organizations and his sponsors, there was a minor outrage at the double standard of his treatment. And they were right. Why is it that "bad boy" athletes who have run-ins with drugs and alcohol abuse are raked across the coals, when golden boy Phelps is issued countrywide support? This isn't even Phelps' first time with substance abuse; he was arrested in 2004 for a DUI.

But double standard no more. USA Swimming has suspended Phelps for three months, which is no big deal because what is he doing in the next three months, and sponsor Kelloggs has dropped him completely, which is a slightly bigger deal because that's money out the pocket. Deep, well sponsored pockets lined with gold, but still.

He's B-A-A-A-KED!

I realize that he's young and other people smoke marijuana and from what I know of pro athletes of all sports, there is a lot of pot smoking going on. I don't care. It goes back to the whole, "Are athletes heroes?" argument, which is a very one sided debate. Of course they are heroes. Of course they are looked up to by children across the country, across the world. And that might be a tough responsibility, and you might have to give up some things in order to shoulder that responsibility, but that, I'm afraid, is just the way it goes. I would think the respect of all, perks beyond your imagining, and millions upon millions of dollars would soften the blow...but maybe that's just me.

The good news is that unless you are OJ Simpson, the hero thing goes both ways. It does not matter what you have done, America will forgive you and give you a second chance. Maybe even a second second chance. Even if you stabbed someone to death like Ray Lewis, or raped a woman like Kobe Bryant. So cheer up, Michael. America will love you again in no time.

What A Racket

2009-02-04T00:30:00.000-08:00

I wasn't able to watch the whole Superbowl as you may have read in my last post, but I was able to watch both the men's and women's finals of the Australian Open. I decided to take down a few random notes while I was watching. For your benefit, of course.

Serena vs. Safina

-- Before the match even starts, Serena is looking really mean. This does not bode well for Dinara Safina. And as you can see from the picture above, it turns out that is very true observation.

-- Why do they carry so many rackets with them? I tried to Google this and I could not find the answer after an exhaustive five minute search. It just seems like something catastrophic would have to go wrong in order to need twenty rackets during a match, and that catastrophic something could not possibly be helped by all the rackets in China. (Which is a lot, because they love their racket/paddle sports over there.)

-- Okay, Serena is playing a near perfect game right now.

-- The broadcasters in the booth are as hyperbolic as ever. Dick Enberg actually calls Serena's performance "omnipotent." That is the most ridiculously exaggerated statement anyone has every said in the history of mankind.

-- I love the term "to break," as in, "It seems like Serena has broken Safina forty times." It's very effective because it says what is happening: the one who loses has their heart broken just a little bit.

This cowman is in the middle of breaking a horse, much like Serena broke Safina. Whoa there, girl.

-- Well, that was quick. Serena has defeated Safina in less than an hour, with an embarrassing score of 6-0, 6-3. I am told by the insane Bud Collins that this is not the worst score ever at the Australian Open, so there's an upside for the Russian.

-- Congratulations to Serena! Some interesting facts about her win - she is the new women's No. 1. This is her 10th grand slam title, and her second in a row as she is the current US Open champ. This was also her third final in a row, losing to her sister Venus at Wimbledon. As a bonus, with this win Serena has officially become the highest paid female athlete of all time, passing former top lady and golfer, Annika Sorenstam.

-- At this point, a slightly awkward fight breaks out between Mary Carillo and Chris Fowler. Mary says that she wishes that Serena would be more focused so that she could stick around a lot longer. Chris then defends Serena by saying that she is the kind of person who has to have a variety of interests in order to balance her life and therefore play better tennis. He also implies that Mary is selfish for wanting to rule Serena's life. Mary then says something like, "Why can't I have this?" because all she wants is really good, focused tennis like the men have. And Chris can't let it go, so he sticks up for Serena again, and 'round and 'round we go. I yelled at them to shut up about it already, but they couldn't here me. They were fairly friendly about it, but at one point Chris said something that was a bit sharp and shut Mary up for a few minutes which I may have read into but I don't think so. I sort of agree with both of them, though.

-- The trophy ceremony is nice, and both girls are funny and gracious. Oh, have you heard this one? Apparently the WTA is now allowing on-court coaching for women's tennis, although this does not include the majors. Wow. That is so offensive. What exactly are you saying? That women need on-court coaching but men don't? And the entire idea of tennis is that it you prepare mentally and physically and emotionally for a match and then once it starts, you're one on one. Apparently the coaching thing is supposed to increase the television appeal, because the coaches will be required to wear a microphone so everyone can hear. Um, how about increasing television appeal by following Mary's suggestion and play good, competitive tennis?

How about we also go back to high button shoes and sensible, gingham, ankle-length skirts?

Nadal vs. Federer

-- I've decided to stay up all night to watch this match. It's a hot ticket, and apparently scalpers are selling tickets for $1000 a pop, which I think is somewhere around $5 billion dollars American. That's insane.

-- A weird fact: This is the first time Federer has had to walk out first onto the court since before February of 2004, because that was the last time he played someone who was ranked higher than him.

-- An even weirder fact: Tonight's umpire was the same guy who was in the chair when Federer and Nadal met at Wimbledon last year.

-- Oooo! I love the new high angle view of the court! I haven't really seen that one, and they use it very sparingly which is only makes me like it more. But it's a cool angle because the court looks normal sized instead of flattened by the usual angle, and you get a much better sense of the ball placement and how very much they are running around.

-- The first set of this match was one minute short of the whole of the women's final.

-- The Serena match was awesome to watch because it was such dominant, near-perfect tennis. There were hardly any errors and she absolutely manhandled a very good player. This match also contains beautiful tennis, but the kind where the talent and wills are so equal and balanced that every point is an epic battle. The latter kind is the best, but they're both fun to watch provided you are a fan of the dominant player and not the one who got blown out.

Speaking of getting blown out, doesn't it look like these players (one of whom is actually Federer) are about to be literally blown off the court? Not only does the idea of standing on this tennis court give me the heebie jeebies, but what about the balls that go toppling over the edges? I mean I see there's a net, but I just do not believe that cuts it. Heads up down below.

-- Everyone (meaning those in the booth) keeps talking about how exhausted Nadal is and that he has nothing left in the tank from his 5 hour and 14 minute semifinal match against Fernando Verdesco. But he keeps coming up with amazing athletic moves. He may very well collapse when this is all over and the adrenaline stops pumping, like when a mother passes out after lifting the car off of her trapped child.

-- After Nadal takes the 1st and 3rd sets and Federer wins the 2nd and 4th, they head into the fifth, which is evidently rare for the Australian Open since the last time that happened was 21 years ago. Federer was seven years old and Nadal was two.

-- Nadal wins and is a hero. The first Spaniard to win the Australian Open wins his own first hard court title after Federer has a complete meltdown in the fifth set. I don't know the stats, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had as many unforced errors in the last set then he did in the entire rest of the match. He probably could have used that on-court coach that the women are now employing.

-- Aw. Federer cries during the trophy ceremony. But Rafa gives him a sweet side hug and a little forehead-to-forehead tap. Federer's future is in trouble. He needs one more win to match Pete Sampras' 14 titles, and one more to beat him (obviously; I am not implying that you couldn't figure out that it would take one more of anything to beat a tie), but it is going to take a whole lot longer than he hoped with Rafael Nadal on the court.

There's no crying in tennis! At the risk of sounding like Dick Enberg, this might be the best picture ever taken. If you look closely, you can see that Weepy Federer is looking right at that glorious, shiny trophy that he didn't win.

All in all, a great Australian Open. The men's brackets played out pretty much by their seeds, making for exciting, tough later rounds. The women's brackets were more topsy turvy and had the No. 1 spot up for grabs. The next major where it will all play out again is the red clay of the French Open, which will be from May 24 - June 7. Obviously there is much tennis to be played before then, so keep your eyes peeled. Luckily I have the Tennis Channel...

A Bird In The Hand...

2009-02-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

...will be crushed by the steel fist. Isn't how that saying goes?

I had been avoiding ESPN proper for the last two weeks because they were incapable of not talking about the Superbowl. But at long last the day came and went and it is sort of safe to go back to watching that channel.

I wasn't actually able to watch most of the game/bad commercial-fest (I know!) because I had to sing for a special event at my church. So I had resigned my major interest in the game a few weeks ago even though I had invested so much time and energy and interest in the season. It helped that I didn't actually care who won, really.

What I can say with certainty is that Jennifer Hudson did a phenomenal job on the national anthem. I can also say that I am very grateful to have missed the Bruce Springsteen performance.

As far as football goes, congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers for being the last man standing, so to speak. You played totally awesome, probably. Then, from what I hear, you were aided heavily by some bad calls that went against the Arizona Cardinals. But that last minute catch from Santonio Holmes was spectacular. I think that pretty much sums up the game, no? Enjoy your parade.

MVP Santonio Holmes and the photographer of this picture pose for the press.

On a side note, one thing I like about Pittsburgh is their mayor, Luke Ravenstahl (who temporarily changed his name to Steelerstahl throughout the duration of the playoffs). I don't know anything about him politically, and my motives are purely vanity related, because he was born exactly one month and three days before me, and is already the mayor of a major(ish) city. That guy is doing it.

Good Night and Good Luck

2009-01-30T01:01:00.001-08:00

A quick congrats to Misses Venus and Serena Williams for their eighth Grand Slam doubles title! Serena can't quite say "g'night" yet to the Australian Open (I assume that if the Aussies say "g'day," they also have the night version, and if they don't, they should), because she chases her tenth singles title on Saturday. Or to us...Friday? I don't understand how time works. I'm even more confused now that Lost is back on the air.

Hug it out, girls! They didn't exactly coordinate their outfits, but they still bring fame and notoriety to an underachieving, under-the-radar little body politic called the US of A.

Out Like A Lamb

2009-01-28T00:01:00.000-08:00

Remember when David Beckham came to America to save US soccer? Remember all that hoopla and confetti and massive amounts of jersey sales? Let's check in and see how things have gone since that fateful July day in 2007.

Beckham was brought in by the LA Galaxy, ostensibly to help the team. How did they do? In 2007 their record was 9-14-7, and in 2008 it was 7-8-10. The good news? They lost less games last year. The bad news? They also won less. Beckham didn't play terribly, although his output was statistically less than during his years with Manchester United and Real Madrid. As it turns out, even the best player in the world (which Beckham currently isn't) cannot win surrounded by average players, which unluckily for him, the MLS is filled with. But it also doesn't help that the Galaxy has been through several head coaches and a GM in those two very short years.

Digging deep: one of the players on the Galaxy roster takes practice shots on goal. Why would this picture come up in my Google search?

A-waaay back in 2007, the general hope of the MLS powers-that-be was that starting with Becks, more and more European stars (albeit aging ones) would find coming to the US acceptable, even appealing what with our giant piles of money and all. The idea was that if you're on your way out of your career, you can come here and prosper in the land of plenty. It didn't work, or certainly not yet, and it won't.

Why? This fine country of ours is not currently in the position to be called the "land of plenty," unless the rest of that title is "the land of plenty of economic problems." So as it turns out, European soccer stars would be taking a hefty pay cut to come here, which is....not going to happen. And the players are actually going the other way. Some of the big US players, such as Landon Donovan, the so-called face of American men's soccer, have headed to play in the European leagues. Their explanation is that if you want to be the best, you have to play with the best, and apparently that isn't the MLS. Admirable for your own career, but not a fabulous message to send.

So let's put it all together. You're an aging but still relevant player. You could come to the MLS, where you will be paid with a weak dollar and play for a losing team in a league that is sub-par enough to drive its own stars away, in a country where no one has ever heard of you and will never care to. How appealing!

Whee! I love to pre-celebrate failures! Thank you for the money you spent on my jersey. I will go away now. You are the weakest link. Goodbye!

The reason I bring this up now is David Beckham, starting earlier this month, is currently "on loan" from the Galaxy to Italian football giant AC Milan. You know, to "keep him in shape in the off-season" and other lies. Of course he's playing well there, because he's surrounded by excellence, and now AC Milan is interested in making this a long term arrangement. Beckham's response was the very vague, "We'll have to see." Allow me to translate. The experiment failed, Beckham wants out, and someone is willing to take him. And it doesn't take a prognosticater to be able to see his future; expect jersey sales to rise in Italy.

Opposite Day

2009-01-25T20:52:00.000-08:00

What a funny weekend. I spent it watching the Australian Open and the Winter X Games, splitting my time between winter and summer, status quo and crazy surprises - the two couldn't have been more opposite.

The X Games have been going on this week in beautiful, snowy Aspen, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. It's the thirteenth go around, and everything is pretty much the same as its ever been. The graphics have annoyingly not changed in ten years, Sal Masekela is still the host of every single event, and even I know a lot of the athletes. It's not because I really follow the action snow sports, but because most of them have been around so very long. And the biggest name in the game, Shaun White, was there with the goal to get back to back golds in the snowboard superpipe, which he won last year.

Shaun White doing some sort of trick. (They all look pretty much the same to me.) Snowboarding is one of those sports that looks so easy when I watch it on TV and so I think I will be an insta-professional and instead fall on my carpal tunnel wrist exactly two and a half minutes after I begin and quit.

First, however, White got that pesky slope style contest out of the way by winning yet another gold medal. If I may lapse into the vernacular of today's youth, White's run was quite "sick." He then followed that up by, of course, getting the superpipe gold, making him the only athlete to ever do so, as well as the most medaled athlete in Winter X history and the most gold medaled athlete in Winter X history. Of course. Because he is Shaun White and that's what happens.

Now to Australia. Australia is like Bizarro World. It's hot when we are cold, cold when we are hot, they drive on the wrong side of the road, and even their water goes backwards. Now, the Bizarro Code is stated thusly:

"Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!"

The Australian Open, now just beginning the second week of the tournament, may as well go ahead and adopt the Bizarro Code after what we've seen in the last couple of days. Venus Williams goes down in the second round, No. 1 Jelena Jancovic goes down in the fourth. Media wunderkind and potty mouth Andy Murray is sent packing by yet another good looking Spaniard. Jie, Azarenka, and Monfils all retire, which if you ask me is a bit premature on their parts. I mean, at least wait until the match is over. And Federer looked terrible in his last match...until he won. Another bizarro item is the fact that Rafael Nadal has actually joined the land of the shorts-wearers! No longer must we watch him tug at his capris in between points. Oh, wait. Nope. Still picking wedgies in front of millions. You'd think that Nike would tailor those clothes for him.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi! Happy Australia Day! It is on this day that all Australians celebrate the moment that their beautiful, blond, criminal ancestors first stepped foot on the island to serve their time. It is also a day widely used to celebrate the general stupidity of the British for choosing to languish on the cramped, rainy, tooth-rotting island that is England, while sending their outcasts to paradise.

But perhaps one of the weirder stories involves Jenela Dokic. Former No. 4 in the world in 2002 and rising quickly in the tennis ranks, Dokic was plagued (like many tennis gals) by a very overbearing father. Only, he wasn't just overbearing, he was actually abusive - mentally, emotionally, and allegedly physically as well. Dokic was unable to continue to play tennis, had a falling out with her family, and became depressed. She slipped dramatically in the rankings while her estranged her father still publicly criticized her. In 2004 she tried to reunite with her family, but was unable to, and eventually she moved to Australia with her boyfriend....where her father tracked her down and claimed that she had been kidnapped.

That little bio just scratches the surface of the drama, but long story short (too late), Dokic has not played tennis for essentially five years. Five entire years without really picking up a racket, even. And yet the unseeded Dokic has played her way into the quarterfinals and will next face Safina. Whatever happens (and by the way she could very well win, because Safina played terribly last match and Dokic is touched by greatness right now), Dokic is going to exit the Aussie Open with a top 100 ranking, an impressive feat from an impressive person. And you can't help but root for her after all she's been through.

Life Is Just A Fantasy

2009-01-23T20:48:00.000-08:00

The time has come for shameless self promotion (SSP), because the show I'm working on - Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory - is coming soon to a television set near you.

Rob skates the indoor plaza at his Fantasy Factory, although it could be me because that's what I look like skating. Well, at least I'm that high in the air. My legs, however, are usually far above my head in a sort of inverted position and I often sport some heavy bruising.

"How fascinating!" you say. "Why, tell me all about it!" I shall oblige. Better yet, I will let Rob Dyrdek explain it himself. (Although please excuse the ad at the beginning. Not my fault.)

Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory - MTV Shows

And here's a sneak peek at the opening credits...

But this isn't simply your random run-of-the-mill SSP. Of course, this is indeed a sports blog, so it comes in very handy that this show is about a professional athlete and sporty type things actually happen on the show. Besides Rob himself, we've got professional skateboarders Eric Koston, Steve Berra, Paul Rodriguez, and Terry Kennedy. We've got LA Laker power forward Lamar Odom. We've got motorcycle, rally car, and general all around action sports stars Travis Pastrana and Ken Block. And on top of all that we've got plenty of car jumping, blobbing, shark fighting, and of course, skateboarding.

Lest I be accused of misleading, let me make one thing perfectly clear. All of those people appear, and all of that action is actioned, but above all the show is just really, really funny.

Rob, Drama, Meaty and Beefy pose with a new member of the crew - Timmy the Testy.

So here's my shameless plug. Check out Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory on Sunday February 8th at 9pm on MTV. Or else.

Hard To Figure

2009-01-21T00:26:00.000-08:00

It was an exciting sports weekend - a great Saturday of college basketball, and in particular the overtime battle between Louisville and Pittsburgh, with the Cardinals upsetting the No. 1 Panthers. Speaking of Cardinals, the NFL championship playoffs were of course also this Sunday, and a hearty congratulations to the Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers, who will meet in the very near future in the most super of all bowls. However, I didn't watch either game because I was actually doing something active: ice skating.

As you can see from the banners in this picture, this ice rink, located in Lake Arrowhead, CA, is Michelle Kwan's home court, so to speak. (I would make a joke about Ice Castles, but the rink is actually called Ice Castles, so they sort of beat me to the punch.) What you can also see in the picture are two very key things - the first is that there is quite conspicuously and very much indeed no wall. No wall to help you get on the ice, no wall to help you get off the ice, no wall to help you around the ice, and certainly no wall to catch you when you fall.

The second key item to notice about this picture is the very serious, very advanced little twirling skating girls in full figure skating regalia, some with actual Dorothy Hamill bobs. Now multiply the amount of these little twirling skating girls by five. Perhaps these little twirling skating girls don't understand the concept of inexperienced and clumsy adults who spook easily when small children whip around them, directionless, flirting with head on collisions. Perhaps these little twirling skating girls don't care. Perhaps it didn't matter because I didn't fall once the whole time and I even sort of kinda skated backwards a little bit, and my ankles weren't sore at all.

Jealous of my speed skating form?

USC You Later

2009-01-17T00:14:00.000-08:00

Some local news (local to me, anyway) that has been making national sports headlines is the recent weirdness with Mark Sanchez and Pete Carroll. The USC coach and quarterback have clearly had a falling out since Sanchez declared for this year's NFL draft. In his official press conference, an icy Carroll brushed right by the QB without breaking his stride after talking to the media about how he feels Sanchez is making a mistake.

Burrr! I said it's cold in here! There must be some Trojans in the atmosphere!

Here's my take. Pete Carroll is a very smart man and a very smart coach, and he has the benefit of experience and knowledge that his players do not. I think that he is a person who loves his players, who clearly is very passionate about them and the game, and has their best interests at heart. He knows that the NFL and all its money and prestige is very appealing to a kid who believes his own hype. He knows Mark Sanchez, who has been at USC for three years but started only one, and knows that Sanchez isn't ready. And he has facts to back that up:

"The facts are so strong against this decision. After analyzing all the information, the truth is there, he should have stayed for another year. He lost out on a chance to fully prepare himself. The facts are there's a 62 percent failure rate for underclassmen quarterbacks."

Let me give you some more interesting statistics about Pete Carroll's USC quarterbacks.

NAME/ PASS YDS/ TDS/ YEARS AS STARTER
Carson Palmer/ 11,818/ 72/ 4 (Heisman winner)

Matt Leinart/ 10,693/ 99/ 3 (Heisman winner)

John David Booty/ 8,474/ 88/ 2

Mark Sanchez/ 3,207/ 34/ 1

(sorry about the weird formatting, I can't figure out how to fix it)

You will probably notice a dramatic drop off in numbers between the first three players and the fourth. The quarterback position is a skill position. Skill is honed and improved by practice and experience. College players who don't have as much practice or experience are not as successful at a professional level as those players who started for three or four years, even if they did not play for an elite college program such as USC. On top of this rather major fact, the lack of stats makes NFL draft evaluations difficult to assess because there simply is not very much to go on.

Which brings us to character, which the single element that could make up for your lack of experience. The fact is, top quarterbacks Colt McCoy, Tim Tebow, and Sam Bradford are all sticking around for another season, and Mark Sanchez saw this as his chance to make some money by getting picked early (by default) in this year's draft. Key word: money.

I'm guessing that this image of Scrooge McDuck in his money silo is pretty much what Sanchez is mentally conjuring up for himself right about now. Incidentally, exactly what kind of depth measurement is represented by the letter 'h'?

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Tim Tebow has little more to accomplish as a college quarterback - he has won the Heisman and been nominated a second time, and he has won two national championships, one as a starter. But he and McCoy and Bradford are clearly interested in more; they are interested in gaining the experience of winning, and have maturely decided to continue to develop as players and as people. They have chosen to use this next year to hone their skills at a skill position as well as gain more ivaluable experience as leaders, a hugely important quality for playing quarterback in the NFL. It is no coincidence that these three gentlemen were the top nominees for the Heisman trophy this year. They aren't just outstanding players on the field but off the field as well.

There is no question in my mind that if you asked Urban Meyer, Mack Brown, or Bob Stoops about the integrity and leadership of their star players, they would rave and rave until your ears fell off and then they'd find someone else's ears to rave off. I think Pete Carroll has given those potential NFL teams a hint about the character of his former quarterback, and if I were an NFL scout (which I'm sure I don't have to remind you I am not) I would listen and wait for next year. I'd take Tim Tebow any day of the week.