My Days Are Numbered

There have been 365 of them, to be exact. The Sideliner has turned one! We have officially been in business for an entire year, and by "we," I mean myself and my many personalities, but that's several other stories for another time.

I have a lot in common with this celebrating baby. First, we are both one year old - her literally and myself figuratively. Secondly, we both lack the fine motor skills that allow us to eat cake without smearing it all over our pig-faces. Thirdly, both of us need our diapers changed immediately.

A lot of things have happened in this single cycle around the sun - many sporting champions have been crowned, many athletes have experienced the heights and triumphs of athleticism, and still many others have disgraced their own names by participating in various illegal activities. My very first post ever was about Wimbledon, and so I will pay homage to myself by giving you a quick review of this year's fortnight at the All England Club. Federer won. I think that about does it...

Actually, it was a very good showing for American tennis considering we are far outnumbered by Russians and those from the other countries Russia used to oppress. Serena beat Venus in an all-American women's final, and then later that day the two of them won the double's title. The Bryan brothers were in the men's doubles finals (lost), Jordan Cox made it to the boys' finals (lost), and Andy Roddick so very almost won the men's finals (but lost). We also have some new hope for the future on the women's side with sixteen-year-old Melanie Oudin who made it in to the tournament by qualifying and played her way into the fourth round. And, of course, what Wimbledon would be complete without a beatdown from Martina Navritilova, who handily won the ladies' invitation doubles.

Congrats to Federer, I guess, for his big record-breaking 15th title, but the more I watch that guy the less I like of him. I thought he was extremely ungracious in his win over Roddick, especially considering the fact that he should have lost that match. Roddick clearly thought so, too. Federer has been an absolute baby in the past year during his series of losses, mostly to Nadal. He's pouted, he's smashed his racket...I think he's an amazing tennis player but he's shown his true colors. I get it - the man likes to win, but he's kind of a poor sport in both winning and losing. What better opportunity to be humble than when you are clearly the best, perhaps the best ever?

But I will not leave you with this as your last image of Wimbledon, as the last mental image of The Sideliner's first birthday celebration. Instead, I will leave you with this:

The Best Tennis Outfit Ever goes to Ann White, who sported this amazing unitard look in a 1985 match against Pam Shriver. Maybe Serena can bring this look back? I know she's always trying to be fashion-forward. Perhaps it would behoove us all to be a little fashion-backward.

Legal (and computer) Troubles

Okay, I have to apologize, because I had written a bunch of posts and scheduled them to be published this week...and then they didn't get published for some reason. I would like to blame it on blogspot, however you and I both know it came down to something called "user error." Some of the posts I had written in the past week make no sense now, so I won't re-post them. Just know that they were some of the best pieces of writing that have ever flowed from brain to keyboard and were especially hilarious.

I have a Very Special Post coming your way in the next few days, but here's a little something to tide you over - one of the (sort of) relevant missing posts that isn't supposed to be funny and is sadly true. Enjoy...

***

How does this in any way make sense? After Donte Stallworth received a thirty day jail sentence for KILLING A MAN, I was already baffled by how that could possibly be. And now this.

A Sacramento man is going to be sentenced to three years in prison for the burglary and theft of Lance Armstrong's time trial bike. I...don't even know what to say about that. Three years for stealing a bike? And yet one month for taking someone's life while driving drunk? What an absolutely crazy world we live in. I cannot think of a bigger slap in the face to the victim's family, nor a bigger setback to the drunk driving policy.

To Stallworth's right: a man who's ability to sleep at night flabbergasts me.

This "sentence" sends the message to everyone that it is no big deal to drive drunk. So what if you kill someone? Don't worry, you'll barely be inconvenienced at all. And apparently the US legal system finds that Armstrong's $10,000 bike is worth more than someone's life. To quote a Woody Allen movie, "I object your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham!" And I do not mean that as a joke.

Goal Oriented

What?! I hate to say it, but I am an official naysayer. I absolutely did not believe that the US could pull off a win against Spain, the number one team in the world, much less a 2-0 win. And all this after an absolutely ridiculous entry into the semifinals of the Confederations Cup in the first place. Rewind with me, if you would, to this past Sunday.

While you were probably watching MMP rock a two under par at the US Open, the US Men's National Team was lined up, ready to take on Egypt in the final round of group play. After a very poor showing against Italy and an even poorer one against Brazil, our guys had no wins, no draws, and no points. Brazil had clinched it's birth in the semifinals, but Italy and Egypt each had a chance to advance with a win. The only way, and I mean only way, that we could possibly advance, was if we pulled out a win of three or more goals AND if Brazil beat Italy by three or more. Three-nil scores are not exactly the norm, so two of them are even less likely. And yet, lo and behold, that is exactly what happened. The US put three in the back of the net and got some major help from our American neighbors to the south to advance to the semifinals.

Jozy Altidore (17) celebrates after his goal. You know what probably makes it sweeter for him? He plays for Villareal in Spain, and scored by beating out one of his teammates their. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Spainy! (...is something I'm sure he was overheard yelling.)

Although they looked good against Egypt, my thinking was, "The operative word here is: Egypt." I mean, it's one thing to beat a team ranked No. 40, and it is a far, far different thing to beat the top ranked team in the world. We sort of aren't in the same class...or at least I thought so. The Spanish side still dominated today's match - they out shot us 29-9. But a goal in the first half from 19-year old Jozy Altidore and one in the second from Clint Dempsey got it done today against La Roja. I guess it's the quality that counts, not the quantity.

This was a huge win for the US. Firstly, it ended Spain's fifteen game winning streak and 35 game unbeaten streak. This was also the first US win over the European country, and one of only two times we have bested any No. 1 team. In addition to all this, today's win marks the first time the US Men's National Team will appear in a final at a FIFA competition.

The final will be on Sunday, June 28th, but before that Thursday's game will determine who the US will face: either the host nation, South Africa, or another football giant, Brazil. Yeah, that Brazil. The one that beat us 3-0 last week. But I think at this point anything is possible, and that is exactly the attitude we need going into the fastly approaching World Cup. First thing's first, however, and I think we should all concentrate on this weekend. On Sunday I will definitely have my jersey on, cheering U! S! A!

The Supreme Court

It's Wimbledon time! And we get another chance to watch defending champion Rafael Nadal go toe-to-toe with multiple title winner Roger Federer!...Oh wait, what? Nadal hurt his knee and has withdrawn from the field?...Well, I guess nevermind, then.

Much intrigue remains, however. As usual, everyone is playing for something, and Federer has the most on the line. After recently placing the ever elusive French Open feather in his overcrowded and much be-feathered cap, Fed has a few more goals in sight. With a win at the All England Club he would attain his sixth title there, and with that title he would beat the record he currently shares with Pete Sampras of 14 career Grand Slams. And that's not all. Federer would also regain his No. 1 ranking, ousting the injured Nadal.

Um...I'm not positive, but I'm fairly certain that Wimbledon has a very strict dress code, and they would never allow that black hat on the court.

The No. 2 spot is also up for grabs. If Federer does NOT win, Nadal keeps his spot atop the rankings. If either Djokovic or Andy Murray win, they will climb to No.2. As an added bonus, if Murray wins he'll be the first Brit to win Wimbledon since Fred Perry beat the pants off an actual, literal Nazi in 1936. It is difficult to root against Federer here but that's what I said a few weeks ago regarding Nadal at the French Open, so what do I know.

On the ladies' side, the situation is a little different. The No.1 ranked woman, Dinara Safina, is most certainly not a grass player. In fact, she has stated that "grass hates [me]." Not even she is expecting to get incredibly far, especially not with No.2 and No.3, the Williams sisters, in the field. Venus is defending back-to-back titles, a challenge she had already attempted a few years ago. Unfortunately, it didn't go so well - she lost the next two finals to her sister. Another player to always keep an eye on, especially at Wimbledon, is former champ Maria Sharapova, who has been playing excellently since returning from surgery. The tape is off her shoulder, and her serve is looking pretty fine. The big question is if she can go the distance - she completely ran out of steam in Paris.

Speaking of Sharapova, you know how when she plays it sounds like a small child is being systematically jabbed with sharpened sticks? It is also the sound I make going upstairs, but that's not to mask anything, it's just because I'm out of shape. Well, you and I aren't the only ones who hate it. Recently, billion-time champ Martina Navratilova spoke out against the trend of grunting and shrieking on the court, yelling, "I call it cheating and it's got to stop!" (Okay, she didn't yell it; she wrote it. And I added the exclamation point for extra emphasis. It's called dramatic license, people.)

The original Queen of Scream, Monica Seles. Ms. Seles is also the Queen of Eating Disorders and the Queen of Getting Stabbed.

Her theory, and I'll have to trust her on this one, is that the sound of the grunt/scream/screech covers the sound of the ball hitting the racket, making it more difficult to determine what the ball is going to do. In addition to this, she (correctly) believes that the screaming actually prevents viewers from tuning in and/or staying tuned. She has some other interesting things to say in her short diatribe here. Hopefully, the WTA will follow her admonishments and crack down, starting this very fortnight.

If your ears can stand it, stay tuned for the next two weeks. There's always drama at the All England Club, which is actually kind of weird because aren't the British known for their comedy?

The Winner Of My Discontent

I'm back after an unannounced vacation of sorts, and I do believe that a few congratulations are in order. After all, this is the "championship season," at least according to NBC marketers.

So the Lakers won. I am not particularly pleased, as the title of this piece may suggest. I guess I can't say that I dislike all of the players on the team, but boy do I really dislike Kobe. He's a great player and all, but what a horrible person. And don't talk to me about how awesome and personable he was on the Redeem Team because as I have already written, I ain't buyin'. That said, congrats to the rest of the team and their fans. The big celebration parade that occurred on Wednesday was well attended - there were 2,000 cops alone and exponentially more civilians. I can only think of one thing that is less appealing than the combination of an immense traffic headache and Lakers fans, and that is the combination of an immense traffic headache and Celtix fans. But I'm not cynical.

Oh wait, yes I am. Allow me to point out the face that Kobe is wearing an (ugly) shirt with a giant hand that has four rings on the fingers, representing his four championships. A black shirt in fact. Considering the rest of the team was wearing white shirts that contained neither giant hands nor giant cartoon rings, I find Kobe to once again be an arrogant jerk, singling himself out and completely and unnecessarily elevating himself above his team. One day, though, I'll tell you how I really feel.

Not to be outdone, but certainly to be out-watched by the American public, the Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup after stretching the series to a seventh game. I can confidently say they were my original pick to win, although I did abandon and reclaim them and re-abandon and then reclaim them several times. Pittsburgh has now claimed two championship titles in a row, having won the Superbowl only a few short months ago. Although I don't think the Pirates will make it a three-peat (and as a Reds fan I would obviously be actively rooting against that eventuality), very few cities can claim multiple winners in the same calendar year. Actually, I thought you might like to know exactly how many cities can act the braggart:

Year	City	Team 1	Team 2	Team 3
2004	Boston	Boston Red Sox (MLB)	New England Patriots (NFL)	-
2002	Los Angeles	Los Angeles Lakers (NBA)	Los Angeles Sparks (WNBA)	Los Angeles Galaxy (MLS)
2001	Los Angeles	Los Angeles Lakers (NBA)	Los Angeles Sparks (WNBA)	-
1998	Chicago	Chicago Bulls (NBA)	Chicago Fire (MLS)	-
1988	Los Angeles	Los Angeles Dodgers (MLB)	Los Angeles Lakers (NBA)	-
1979	Pittsburgh	Pittsburgh Pirates (MLB)	Pittsburgh Steelers (NFL)	-
1969	New York	New York Mets (MLB)	New York Jets (AFL)	-
1956	New York	New York Yankees (MLB)	New York Giants (NFL)	-
1952	Detroit	Detroit Lions (NFL)	Detroit Red Wings (NHL)	-
1938	New York	New York Yankees (MLB)	New York Giants (NFL)	-
1935	Detroit	Detroit Tigers (MLB)	Detroit Lions (NFL)	-
1933	New York	New York Giants (MLB)	New York Rangers (NHL)	-
1928	New York	New York Yankees (MLB)	New York Rangers (NHL)	-

Obviously Pittsburgh will be added to this very short list, so congrats to the Steel City. I think as a particularly pleasant cherry on top, The Economist has named Pittsburgh the No. 1 Most Livable City in the United States in 2009, and a rather impressive 29th Most Livable City worldwide. Good on ya, Pittsburgh.

This is a real picture from Mario Lemieux's pool party celebration at his mansion in Pittsburgh. The former Penguins hero and current owner and chairman of the board had everyone over to his colossal palace to...swim with the coveted trophy? I guess why not, right?

Man Your Stations

I usually do a TV Pick of the Week in the right-hand column of The Sideliner. However, I wanted to take up regular ol' Sideliner space to highlight two big events that are happening this weekend that aren't the NHL or NBA Playoffs, because honestly I'm getting a bit bored with them. 

Let's first tackle the Belmont Stakes, which is happening on Saturday. A while ago, I wrote about the Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird and the Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra, and how jockey Calvin Borel had ridden them both to victories and had the chance to win the Triple Crown. The question was, however, on which horse would he go for history to become the only jockey to win the Triple Crown on different horses? The decision was made for him, and much to my chagrin the owners of Rachel Alexandra have kept the filly out of the Belmont Stakes. This has left Mine That Bird open for Borel, and this already winning combination is currently the favorite. After a recent work out with the colt, Calvin hopped off and declared his horse would be victorious. Saturday, 5:30pm ET, ABC. (Pre-race at 5pm)

This finely bewhiskered youth is none other than August Belmont, namesake of the Belmont Stakes. This portrayal (which in my eyes looks like an old tyme police sketch) seems to say, "Yes, I have droopy eyes and a receding hairline, but doesn't my specifically manicured beard just draw your attention to my shapely chin?"

Okay, so on to the second must see this weekend - The French Open finals. Let's deal with the ladies first. My original pick went thusly: "My heart says Serena but my head says Safina." So far my head has been...well, head and shoulders above my heart, which is of course physiologically obvious but which is metaphorically a bit of a bummer. Safina will battle Serena-ouster Kuznetsova (boy howdy there are a lot of Russian tennis ladies) on Saturday for the chance to win her first major. Saturday, NBC, 9am ET.

Seriously, look at Safina's arms. The angle of this photo isn't doing anything to convince me that her head wasn't photoshopped on some he-man's body.

And now for the gents. In the semi-finals, Federer battled through five sets to defeat Juan Martin del Porto and head into his fourth consecutive final. Only this time he won't be facing the same opponent he's faced the last three years, the (former?) King of Clay, Rafael Nadal. Instead, he will be facing Robin Soderling, the No. 23 ranked player who took down Nadal several rounds ago. While I wouldn't mind seeing the underdog Soderling win, I would be very happy for Fed if he is able to finally capture his elusive missing Grand Slam title. Sunday, NBC, 9am ET. And by the way, trust me, East-Coasters, when I say that while it's awesome that both finals are live, it is not awesome that they start at 6am a-way out here, forcing the would be viewer to record the matches or wait for a re-airing, and then having to avoid any and all other programming lest the ever-running network tickers spoil it all anyway. I mean, for a hypothetical viewer.

Lords And Ladies Of The Court

Okay, so forget the fact that I named the Cleveland Cavs and Rafael Nadal to be champions of their respective sports. King James and The King of Clay have conspired to make me a liar and a fool, but that's okay.

The Cavs melted down in spectacular fashion. I will chalk some of their loss up to the fact that they played basically the one team that they just don't match up well against. They never won in Orlando this year, and the Magic won more games in Cleveland than they lost. Orlando (the city, not the fictitious man who decided to never age and then fell asleep and woke up with a woman's body) has the type of perimeter game that Cleveland just couldn't defend, especially not when they doubled Dwight Howard. They looked incredibly sloppy for a team that looked so awesome on every night prior to last week, and they appeared to forget one very key principle of this or any sport - when projected, a ball will always move faster than a person can run. I will now officially be rooting for the Magic with all of my might.

In a move that makes him a bit unpopular with me, James did not shake any players' hands from the opposing team after his loss on Saturday. "It's not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them." Um, I beg to differ, puppet-man. That is the exact definition of being a poor sport.

On the court of the clay variety, Nadal's loss against No. 25 Soderling was a big shocker for many reasons, obviously the first being his 32 game undefeated record at Roland Garros. The second would have to be the fact that as the defending champ he didn't even make it to the quarter-finals (neither did Ana Ivanovic on the women's side). The third is that he lost in four sets, and the one set he won went to a tie breaker. The kicker is that with this win over Nadal, Soderling, who is from Sweden, has protected his countryman's record. Bjorn Borg's four consecutive French Open titles would have been pushed out of the record books if Nadal could have secured the championship. But the good news is, Rafael Nadal is a champ of a person and gave a very humble and humorous interview, unlike LeBron who sulked for a few days before finally addressing his subjects. The other bit of good news is for Roger Federer, who now has a legitimate shot at completing his career Grand Slam and tying Sampras's 14 singles titles with both Nadal and Djokovic out of the way.

I realize that his shirt is a little askew on his body, but doesn't it look like his left arm is bulky and his right arm is strangely wimpy? I know he's left handed, but perhaps he should work on that right arm a bit more.

You know who isn't a champ of a person? Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez. I could probably add a few names in there and nobody would notice. Anyway, during the first set of her match against Serena Williams on Saturday (don't ask me which day or time it actually happened), Williams came up to the net to hit a cross-court slam but instead hit Martinez Sanchez who was also running up to the net. The ball whacked the Spaniard in the right arm, bounced onto her racket and then over the net. The umpire called the point for Martinez Sanchez which actually gave her the game, even though the rules of tennis state that if the ball touches a player the point is lost. A good sportsman would admit that this was indeed the case. Maria Jose Rodriguez Martinez Juan Castillo Sanchez did not.

In a rather impressive look into the future, sports-caster extraordinaire Mary Carillo predicted this image would be under Sunday's headlines. She said so immediately after Ms. Williams made a shot that was clearly impressive even to her. Ms. Carillo is impressive to me, as she has obtained a high level of two things that I do not possess: a knowledge of the sport and the ability to guess correctly.

Despite Serena's debate with the chair umpire, the Spaniard didn't pipe up and admit that she had been hit by the ball. In the end, all this served to do was make Serena mad, and you do not particularly want to play Angry Serena. She won the next two sets even after she weirdly starting choking for no reason during a change over, or as Mary Carillo referred to it, she "spit up." I had never before heard this term used outside of the realm of babies, which incidentally is part of my own royal title: Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Realm of Babies.