Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Feuxve

It pains me to inform you that we have arrived at the fifth and final episode of HBO's Hard Knocks. Never have I move vainly hoped that a show would continue, because as it turns out NFL Films as an entity can not read my mind. Or, perhaps its participants are unwilling to accommodate my hopings. Either way, this is the last time this year for to share:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. Sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning, the Bengals locker room looks like the setting of a murder mystery story, all dark and spooky and flashlight-requiring. Or maybe it was just this one time - I don't know because I've only seen it once.

Jinkies! Maybe Nancy and her cute male pals can figure out the mystery of the missing Bengals GM!

2. There are new Twitter rules in the NFL, but Chad Ochocinco has been looking for loopholes. According to ESPN (the old one, not Chad himself who claims to be the new one), Ochocinco has declared the loopholes officially found and implores us all in his usual vague way to "tune in" to see something that is probably underwhelming.

3. Among Paul Brown's contributions to the sport of football: the face mask, the passing pocket, the practice squad, and filming practices for teaching purposes. Also? What a boring name for someone who's contemporaries include such monikers as Jock, Elroy, Otto, Chester, Blanton, and Weeb.

4. Final cut day makes me sad. I mean, it's pretty brutal, but then again as a baby I used to cried when my parents took the garbage out, so maybe I'm not the greatest judge.

Another source of tears for a young Abby.

5. Jim Lippincott does not appear to be human. He's is a weird, horrible personnel-firing ro-but. Once he has completed his task, you may bury your tear-stained face in his pillowy waistline, but just know that he cannot love you back.

6. I totally forgot about Chad's house! I had seen it a few years ago during a special highlighting the wide receiver, but I completely failed to remember that his living room is decorated with a bevy of giant, scarily painted, neon-colored portraits of himself. It's sort of amazing, and I choose to believe that they are displayed with at least some small (perhaps really tiny but still present) sense of irony.

7. Okay, I was going to mention this tidbit in one of the other Ten Things I Learned This Week, but I thought surely I didn't see what I thought I saw. You see, I thought I saw a player wearing some sort of cozy on his helmet. Did you know that there is such a thing as a helmet cozy? I didn't. There have now been two instances where players were donning helmet cozies, and it must be addressed. The first time I thought perhaps it was a t-shirt perched atop one gentlman's noggin, simply a convient way to keep his clothing off of the ground and yet stay hands free, but then there it was again this week! The helmet cozy. It frightens and confuses me.

Of course, the helmet cozy pictured here is not the one spotted covering the traditional Bengal stripes, but it may as well have been.

8. The Bengals kept four running backs and only one fullback. That bodes well for the running game...oh right. No offensive line, or at least not much of one. Good luck to you, fellas.

9. This one's another cheat, because I forgot this rather than learned it, but both Roy Williams and Tank Johnson were in last year's Hard Knocks, when the show was following the Dallas Cowboys. Tank suggested that they change the name of the show to "Tank Knocks," which I admit has a nice ring to it.

10. Kicker Shayne Graham has his own steak The Precinct, a local Cincinnati restaurant. Other famous Cincinnati sports faces on the menu? Former Reds pitcher and broadcaster Joe Nuxhall, former Bengals wide receiver Cris Collinsworth, Hall-of-Famer Oscar Robertson of the Royals back when Cincinnati had an NBA team, former Bengals OT and Hall-of-Famer Anthony Munoz, current UC football coach Brian Kelly, and Reds manager Dusty Baker.

If I were ordering off The Precinct menu by name alone, I would go with the Anthony Munoz, because I imagine it would look something like this.

I am so bummed that this show is over! I can't wait until next year's series...for now, though, I can look forward to a new mini-series of interest. Premiering on September 16th at 8pm on Showtime is a documentary called Full Color Football: The History of the American Football League. It looks really interesting, so my condolences to those who do not have access to premium channels. Once again you are missing out.

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Feux

Welcome to the fourth edition of:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. James Brown loves the Bengals. No, not that James Brown...No, not that other James Brown, either. Cincinnati has a James Brown of its very own, and he's just a dude who has been there forever and does odd jobs for the Bengals - team attendance, towel folding. But he's not as behind-the-scenes as you might think. In fact, if you've seen a Bengals game, then you've seen Mr. Brown, because he leads the team as they run out onto the field for every game.

Beware of the James Brown ro-but. He will crush you with his trusty steal sledgehammer while he smiles at you with his immutable, malicious grin.

2. Tank Johnson does not know who Bill Walsh is. He was telling a staff member that he just learned about this amazing guy who did this thing called the West Coast Offense. Only he kept calling him "Donnie Walsh" until the the staff guy corrected him. You might think that he was bringing this up because of "Donnie's" association with the Bengals and this is a show about the Bengals, but no. He was surprised to find out this fact. I mean, I'm no football historian but even I know who Bill Walsh is. I also happen know who Donnie Walsh is - he's the president of basketball operations for the New York Knicks.

3. Andre Smith's agent is a creep. The second after his client signed his contract, the first words out of his mouth weren't, "Congratulations! You are officially a professional football player!" or "You just made your NFL dreams come true!" or even, "We're going to have a great year!" Instead he turned to Andre Smith and said, "Congratulations, you're a multi-millionaire." Ick.

4. Chad Ochocinco has a girlfriend. Her name is Maya, and she seems very cool. Chad gave his tip to guys on how to give a girl your number without having to worry about the pain of rejection. Just ask to borrow her phone to make a call, and then put in your info. It apparently worked for him, but if someone did that to me I would not recognize the contact and simply erase it.

5. Jordan Palmer is involved with a website/iPhone app called Run Pee. (Actually, I had heard of this before, but I did learn a little bit more during this week so it counts for my list.) This website tells you when the best times would be to take a bathroom break while watching a movie. You can have your phone buzz you right before the most opportune time to duck out, and then while you're in the bathroom you can read about what you're missing. It's a cool idea, but why can't you just not go to the bathroom for an hour and a half? Maybe you should consult a physician.

The RunPee movie highlighted here is Gamer. As you can see, there are multiple pee times with plot points to unscramble while you're out of the theater. They should definitely not hire me to write these up, because I think the entire movie Gamer is one giant pee time.

6. Interesting quote from defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer to a player: "The only thing that can run you out of the NFL is you." Unless, of course, you are a Bengal, and then you can apparently never be run out of the league, no matter what heinous acts you commit.

7. According to himself, Chad Ochocinco is the new ESPN.

8. Coach Marvin Lewis is all about the details. If your shoe laces aren't tied, you are exhibiting a lack of self-discipline, and if you aren't disciplined about those things then you probably aren't disciplined about the bigger things. He made this concept very clear to his team in a less polite way during a post-game tirade that I quite enjoyed.

9. There are carriage rides available in Cincinnati. Impressive undrafted free-agent and safety Tom Nelson took his wife on a ride around the city. I am from Cincinnati, and as I saw the couple embark on their tour I thought to myself, "Where on earth are they going? What would you want to be seeing downtown while attached to a horse?" Mostly it didn't look very picturesque, but there was a really quaint area that I did not recognize...Where were they? Do we have such a thing as German Town? It looked German-y.

10. Joe Torre can appear on the show but not Muhammad Ali? Sorry, I'm still hung up on that one from last week. The Dodgers skipper was featured when a few Bengals attended a Reds game against Los Angeles. Seeing him reminded me how thankful I am that the NFL does not require their coaches to wear uniforms, because really the last thing anyone needs to see is Andy Reid or Romeo Crennel in football pants.

Just imagine it. I haven't.

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Threux

Once again, it is time for the weekly lessons learned from HBO's Hard Knocks...

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. Well-traveled linebacker Dhani Jones is apparently a big wearer of neon blue short shorts. This was highlighted in the "rookie show," but then confirmed towards the end of the episode with the man himself donning a pair.

You know who else likes even shorter shorts? The Washington Redskins' Chris Cooley.

2. Sometimes running backs barf on the sidelines. DeDe Dorsey is such a running back.

3. The axeman waiteth at the door for his prey/ A quiet bloodbath to begin each day. That's just a fancy, poetic way of saying that Director of Personnel Jim Lippincott has moved on from waking dudes up at 5am to fire them and now simply waits inside the facility doors while all the players file nervously past until he sees his man and goes in for the kill.

4. I love training montages. And, as it turns out, I don't love hurt-player montages, even when appropriately set to Elvis's song Hard Knocks. Actually, the whole injury thing was an interesting segment that really highlighted a serious and pervasive issue that plagues the league. I shall expound.

On the show, there were several guys, including rookie fave Rey Maualuga, who were mildly to moderately injured over the past couple weeks. The coaches were shown "good-naturedly" ribbing these players for not being able to play, although in fact these ribs were actually just veiled threats that implied if the player couldn't play, they could lose their spot on the team - either as a starter or on the entire roster.

The reality is this: if you can't play, you don't get in the practice and experience you need, the less fit you become, the less the coaches see you, the less you can impress them, therefore the less chance of keeping a starting spot (or any spot) on the squad, and so on. So it behooves any player to be on the field...even if they are hurt. And of course, when you play hurt you open yourself up to get even more badly hurt. Now, the coaches want the best guys on the field, period, so they apply pressure to these ailing players to return quickly.

The training staff's job is to prevent both of these attitudes from winning out for the benefit of the player (which, to the credit of the Bengals, they did). This kind of struggle happens all the time, from a minor ankle sprains to major concussions. The segment in this show didn't make a political point out of this (I think it was meant to be a funny little segment), and I don't think the Bengal coaches looked worse than any other team's coaches would have, but it inadvertently exposed a real problem in the league.

5. Okay, I'll follow up that long diatribe with this light weight one. I could actually devote several of my weekly points on Chad Ochocinco's off-field antics, but instead I'll just highlight two this week:

• Chad's New Favorite Phrase: "Kiss the baby." Translation: "Similar to 'the fat lady sings.' In other words, it's over.
  
• Chad's fun fact-o-the-week: He buys his earrings at Claire's. According to him, the faux baubles look just as good as the real thing at only a fraction of the cost.

I share this with Chad: we both have patronized Claire's, and I don't mean acted condescendingly towards, although perhaps that's also true. I, like, totally got my ears pierced there!

6. On Bob Bratkowski's office wall hangs a hand-painted, arts & crafts-style sign that reads: "It's 5 o'clock somewhere." What an odd place for a drinking and/or Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffet reference.

7. Apparently a visit from Muhammad Ali to training camp is interesting enough to tease, and it's interesting enough for it to be the only description in the episode guide, but it's not interesting enough to actually air.

8. The Andre Smith situation is ridiculous, and I understand that they 49ers are in the same position with Michael Crabtree. It's called a "slotting system," fellas. You make more than the pick below you and less than the pick above. Just because you think you should have gone higher in the draft does not mean you get paid more. You're worth what people collectively say you're worth, not some self-inflated number based on an imaginary, hypothetical draft. Andre, you are not worth as much as Jason Smith, and Michael, you are not worth as much as Darrius Heyward-Bey. Please get used to it and sign already so you can show up to your teams embarrassed and unprepared.

9. Remember that extra-point kick Ochocinco made against New England? That was Chad's idea. Funniest quote from the Bengals staff: "He'll want a signing bonus now."

10. I don't care who wears them, I don't like white football pants because you can see butts through them.

See what I mean? The Texas Longhorns have the see-thruiest of them all. Can't they double layer that fabric? My apologies to former Longhorn and current Patriot Dave Thomas (not the Wendy's guy) for posting this picture, but (no pun intended) it had to be done.

Keep watching...only two episodes remain!

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Deux

Welcome to the second installment of the Hard Knocks review, where I...review this weeks episode with the:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. I don't like hearing the phrase "they used to," especially when followed by the descriptive term "sizzles." I especially don't like to hear that combined phrase when it is referring to the Bengals offense.

Here is something currently sizzling - the love between two eggs, sunny side up. This also depicts your brain on drugs, or at least what you might be seeing if you were actually on drugs.

2. Carson Palmer is very picky about his Gatorade. He likes a blend of flavors which he describes as "berry-licious," and the only staff member who appears to be able to accommodate this request is some dude named Lamar.

3. Chad Ochocinco fake drinks at bars. He orders Red Bull and cranberry juice so it looks like he's drinking, but he's not. Also? Chad looooooves McDonald's and appears to eat it for every meal.

4. The Bengals had a police officer come in to go over general safety rules with the team. For reasons indiscernible, the officer cautioned them to not stand under coconut trees lest they fall victim to a coconut husk death blow. Good advice, I guess, but what on earth does that have to do with the Bengals? I can only assume that it was just preparation for the team's arrival in Miami for Superbowl XLIV.

Coconuts aren't the only things you need to be wary of falling out of a coconut tree. Occasionally, you might encounter an idiot in a red shirt plummet to the ground and hurt his nose, so be careful.

5. Chris Henry looks like an alien.

6. Chase Coffman's (the rookie and possibly now starting tight end) dad, Paul, played tight end for both the Green Bay Packers and the Kansas City Chiefs. While with the Chiefs, Paul played with tight end Jonathan Hayes...who is now Chase Coffman's tight end coach with the Bengals.

7. I have always been aware of the father/son-like relationship between Marvin Lewis and Chad Ochocinco, but there was a nice little behind-the-scenes glimpse at that very thing this week, where Lewis gave Chad some money advice - how to invest and how exactly banks work. It was an endearing private moment, and was only on wall mounted cameras (meaning, there was no crew with them at the time).

8. Wide receiver Laveranues Coles rests in a portable hypobaric chamber. It looks like a flexible vinyl coffin, but I champion anything that will improve a player's game.

9. Tank Johnson has the absolutely cutest little girls I have ever seen. He put together a bunk bed for them, but advised the top bunk dweller not to jump on her bed, just in case. I guess he wasn't too confident in his handiwork.

10. I decided that if I had to make a movie about the Bengals, I already know a few people I'd cast...

As Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski: Terence Stamp!

As Executive Vice President (and Owner Mike Brown's daughter): Geraldine Chaplin! (who also had a famous dad: Charlie!)

As Mike Brown himself: Truman Capote! Okay, I know he's dead, but still.

And, of course, as Chris Henry: an alien!

'Tis The Season

Okay, so imagine my annoyance when I went to review my recent posts and found that somehow one of my scheduled posts did not, in fact, get posted. For the record, this was meant to have been available to read almost a week ago as a response to the first preseason NFL game. I am officially posting it now (with a few adjustments regarding time & day), but how irritating that some of it is so very passe by now. Nevertheless, I implore you to enjoy...

Once again, my favorite season is upon us and I am very jolly. Can anything beat the fall? I mean, in general but also with sports. Everything is awesome and new...starting with football.

Last Sunday night marked the return of the NFL to our television sets with the first preseason game of the year - the Buffalo Bills vs. the Tennessee Titans in the annual Hall of Fame Game.

Okay, when you type in "Buffalo, New York" into Google images, this picture comes up on the very first page. Just thought you should know.

I can't tell you how excited I was with the first helmet-to-helmet contact. Actually, come to think of it, I can tell you. I'm under no contractual obligation to maintain confidentiality...at least not about this. I was very excited. Of course, that's an illegal play but they're fun to watch. Apparently the rules have changed, as they are wont to do, and this year all helmet contact will be called. Essentially, if any part of your body touches the other player's helmet during a tackle, you will be called for unnecessary roughness, which is a tad ridiculous. No shoulder pads, no arms? I'm no football player, but I imagine it is difficult to hurl your body at someone with enough equal and opposite force to stop them running at full speed and NOT get anywhere near their helmet. But what do I know.

The game also saw the first official pairing of Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth in the booth for Sunday Night Football since John Madden's retirement earlier this year. I like them both, so I'm looking forward to this duo all year. Did you ever notice that Al Michaels sounds remarkably like Alan Alda? Well, he does. Next time you are watching SNF, close your eyes and imagine Hawkeye Pierce giving you the play-by-play. As an added bonus (to me), both Michaels and Collinsworth have a Cincinnati connection - the latter as a wide receiver for the Bengals and the former as an announcer for the Reds. Winners in my book...

My boy Cris and his weird, cropped Prince Valiant/70's shag thing he's got going on.

As for the game, the Bills looked terrible. I know the preseason games don't necessarily mean anything, but they looked severely overmatched by the Titans, and I only count the time that both teams played their starters, although the Bills were dominated all night. Except TO, who looked pretty good. TO is the kind of player that you want on your fantasy team, because he's awesome, but since it is fantasy and not reality you don't actually have to play with him or spend any time at all with him. And that is at least one area where you and Buffalo are not the same, so good luck to The City of Good Neighbors on that account.

But guess what else? That's not the only thing that fall is bringing us. Here are some other football-centric items on the horizon:

--My very favorite show on television, Hard Knocks, started last Wednesday and this year it is following my very favorite football team. If you are in any way interested in the reality behind what you see for only a few short hours every Sunday, you must watch this show. Also, who dey!

--The NFL preseason continues over the next couple of weeks. I hate preseason because some of the games are boring due to all of the 2nd and 3rd and 4th string teams filled with people you've never heard of. But I love preseason because there's a game every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. That's a lot of football. But then I hate preseason because of all of those games, like three of them are actually aired on a viewable station.

--You think we're done with football? Oh my, no. There is so much more to come, and it comes in the form of those young, bright-eyed kids descending upon your local college campuses as we speak. College football debuts in a few short weeks, starting with NC State taking on South Carolina. As much as I love pro football, I might love college a little bit more. There are a billion games every weekend, and it doesn't matter to me who is playing - I can always find someone to root for. The cute ones, of course! (I feel I have, like, one or two more years to say things like that until I start sounding creepy.)

The Vest is upon us! I bet you that the happiest college coach of all right now is Rick Pitino, because now all of the scandal hubbub will dwindle for the next couple months. He can spend the time preparing for when it re-hits him in the face.

--Another form of football fun is fantasy! Over the next couple of weeks everyone is getting their fantasy football draft lists ready to go. I actually think that this fantasy phenomenon and the Madden video game series have been instrumental in the enormous surge of popularity of the NFL in the last five years. The more you understand something, especially a sport, the more connected to it you become. With Madden, you really learn the strategy of play calling and what each play entails. And since you have to pick plays while using the game, you begin to recognize them on the field and even start to predict what will or should happen. Or so I hear. I am not dexterous enough to play Madden. And then with fantasy football, you follow the stats of players and get to know players all across the entire league, whereas before you might only know who is on your favorite team. This familiarity breeds personal investment, and that (along with salary caps and a short season) is why people care so much about pro football. Look into it.

--And yet more football. Only this time it is the world's meaning of the word "football" and not America's. That's right - good ol' fashioned soccer. The European football leagues have just kicked off, and this year I am, of course, pulling for Chelsea. When I went to their game recently, I got an official Chelsea scarf so now I can wear it as I act like a crazed soccer hooligan in the privacy of my own home. It will join my other good luck trinkets that adorn my TV stand - my mini-Bengals helmet and my Brutus the Buckeye that plays the OSU fight song. I have yet to find the right combination of jerseys/t-shirts/hats/footballs/other themed objects that actually bring me good luck, but I will keep on trying.

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It

Hard Knocks debuted last night, and it was predictably awesome. I thought that for the next few weeks while the show is airing, I would highlight a new segment here on The Sideliner:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. Marvin Lewis has a pretty sick house. He also has a pretty mean cornhole toss.

2. Mike Brown's glasses have possibly the most un-blended bifocal line in the known universe.

3. The Football Term O' The Week: The Oklahoma Drill.

If you were like me, you may have thought that The Oklahoma Drill was a fancy girl drink. You would have been wrong, and then also embarrassed for having ordered it rather loudly at the bar in front of that whole group of hipsters who are way, way cooler than you. Because those are the kind of silly things you do.

Well, it ain't a fancy drink. The Oklahoma Drill consists of good ol' fashioned, one-on-one tackle fights, which I love to watch - especially in the beautiful slo-mo footage from NFL Films. But here's what it really is:

There are two dummy bags positioned about 3-5 yards apart. One defensive player lines up against one offensive player at the line of scrimmage. Behind him is a quarterback and a running back. On the coach's signal, the QB hands off to the back, who tries to make it through the space created by the bags. The defender must shed the offensive player and then tackle the running back. If that explanation is too confusing to visualize, or you are just plain interested in seeing this done, check out this video from the Jaguar's training camp.

4. Rookie tight end Chase Coffman is going to have the strongest biceps east of the Mississip. For every mistake he makes on the field he has to do 15 push-ups, and I'll tell ya...he does a lot of push-ups. He's going to need the strength, because the Bengals have already broken both their first and second string tight ends (Reggie Kelly and Ben Utecht).

5. Andre Smith, the first round draft pick from Alabama who has yet to officially sign his contract, should never, ever, ever run with his shirt off.

6. This one's a two-fer, because I learned two things about Jim Lippincott, the Director of Football Operations. A) he has the weirdest waistline in the history of waistlines and it is a shame that I do not have a picture to illustrate this point, and B) his name sounds like what happens to a German when he tries to kiss a frozen metal pole. I guess that second one is more of an observation.

7. Chad Ochocinco has a special affinity for the phrase, "Child, please!" Also? He wears his hat like that one dude from Oz.

The cap must be worn just like so. Child, please.

8. There was a fascinating conversation amongst the management about how to fix the lack of tight ends problem. Perhaps a fullback could fill in? Mike Brown suggested defensive end Chris Harrington, but that got shot down due to his being "stiff." Harrington, that is, not Brown.

9. The only thing harsher than getting cut from the team is when the person cutting you knocks on your door at 5:30 in the morning to do it, and gently lets you down by telling you right to your face that you "lack ability." That's a fine how-do-you-do!

10. Safety Chris Crocker was charged with covering Chad Ochocinco for much of the time and looked absolutely fantastic doing it. I am choosing to interpret that as a positive for Mr. Crocker, as opposed to a negative for Mr. Ochocinco because I am an optimist. Also, I learned that Chris Crocker and I were born on the exact same day in history, only 280 miles apart, and he is therefore now one of my new faves.

Watch next week's episode on Wednesday at 10pm on HBO, and then report back here, because I am certain that I have many more things to learn...

A Grim Fairy Tale

Well, I've been pretty busy lately. Last week I got to watch my favorite soccer team live and in person, and this week I got to watch some world class tennis. I just ambled down to the UCLA campus where the LA Tennis Open was taking place and took in a match. Actually, I took in two.

I had gotten tickets to one of the semifinal matches and I was hoping to see some big names, although many of the biggest names in the tennis biz weren't there due to the fact that it's a few weeks too early to warm-up for the US Open apparently. I was in luck, though, because the match earlier in the day had two unseeded players and then my match had Tommy Haas (currently ranked No. 22 and a former No. 2) against local boy and American up-and-comer Sam Querrey.

I thought I'd let the pictures tell the story....

Tennis: A Modern Day "Love" Story Even Though That Wasn't The End Score

Chapter One - An Extremely Civil War

Once upon a time, in a far-off and partially fabricated place called La-La Land, there was a German and an American who decided to fight. (Don't worry...This story isn't about Nazis. Just hang in there.) They took to the court with a brightly colored ball and one snowshoe each strapped to their hands with which to parry the orb back and forth.

The German lost the first battle and decided to change his luck by switching his evil black shirt for an angelic white one. The crowd was not confused by his trickery and continued their refusal to root for him.

After displaying some impressive Hacky Sack skills with that fuzzy, bright spheroid, The German thought he might have won some to his side, and yet not a single peep was heard in support from the spectators. Finally this man decided to drop the charade and re-wrapped himself in his darkened cloak. Dejected and unsupported, the German lost the battle, and as it turns out, the war. But the story did not end here. Oh, no....

Chapter Two - Abuse of the Elderly

There was more tennis to be played and barely witnessed that fateful night! Many so-called fans fled the scene due to the late-ish hour and the cool-ish breeze. But those that remained were in for a real treat.

Impressively under their own power, two long-in-the-tooth (but not in a vampire way) senior citizens shuffled into view. They were ancient American tennis legends Jim Courier and Michael Chang. Amused by all the talk of old folks and misled by the repeated use of the word "classic," one fan's world was shattered when she realized that both of these players were less than ten years older than her.

The camera work may be sketchy at times, but quit complaining.

Like The German and The American before them, The Blonde One and The Asian One were worthy adversaries in their epic clash on the cobalt blue battlefield.

Just when it seemed like The Blonde One had the upper hand, that age-old, cruel mistress called Michael Chang reared its ugly head. (No offense, Michael. It's called "artistic license.") In the end, only The Asian One was left standing. Literally. Because The Blonde One was crouching. It was a glorious night, a fight filled with triumph and tragedy and, for some, a hot pretzel.

Chapter Three: The End

The end.